Alright, libs, you can have this one. Cherie DeVaux just became the first woman trainer to win the Kentucky Derby. Cue the champagne socialist celebrations. Her horse, Golden Tempo (seriously, who names these things?), clawed its way from the back of the pack to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Guess even horses can be intersectional now.

Jockey Joe Ortiz, piloted the nag past the finish line, and now he gets to virtue signal about female empowerment or something. His brother, Irad Ortiz Jr., who rode the favorite, Renegade, probably had to choke back his own personal patriarchy and offer congratulations. Family dinners are gonna be awkward for a while. Bet he's muttering something about rigged elections.

DeVaux started as a stablehand. From rags to riches, or whatever. Now she's raking in the big bucks, probably to fund some socialist horse commune. Just kidding (mostly). But seriously, you know the media's gonna run this into the ground with articles about 'girl power' and 'smashing the patriarchy' and all the usual woke buzzwords. Buckle up, folks.

Let's be real, though. A win is a win. And whether you like it or not, DeVaux made history. Just don't expect me to tear down my framed portrait of General Patton to make room for a photo of a horse. Priorities, people.

Golden Tempo was lagging behind like a Kamala Harris speech. Then BAM! Instant win. Like a woke policy implemented at 3 AM on a Sunday. Pure chaos.

DeVaux joined Jena Antonucci as only the second woman to train a Triple Crown winner. Is the Triple Crown the next frontier for social justice? Stay tuned to find out!

"I don't have any words," DeVaux bleated to the press afterwards. Someone get this woman a thesaurus! Maybe her next project should be dismantling the horse industrial complex, one hoofbeat at a time. Probably not.

But credit where credit is due, Devaux seems to have had a great support system, husband included. But he also believed in her. So I guess there ARE good men left in the world. For now.

It's all just a matter of time before some blue-haired activist demands we rename all horses after famous feminists and replace jockeys with gender-neutral robots. You know, for equality.

Anyways, good for her. And maybe I’ll put a few bucks on Golden Tempo in the next race. But I’m still waiting for Trump to get reinstated, so don’t expect me to start attending consciousness-raising circles anytime soon.

Golden Tempo earned a hefty $3.1 million. Maybe that will buy her a good lawyer to fight the inevitable cancel mob that's coming for her hot take on something obscure from 2008.