The God Emperor himself, Donald J. Trump, has once again graced us with his infinite wisdom, this time taking aim at the most insidious enemy of the American people: THE CLOCK. That's right, folks, the Based One is calling for permanent daylight saving time, because who needs sleep when you can own the libs?

In a Truth Social screed that probably sent AOC into a full-blown meltdown, Trump declared that changing clocks is a "VERY COSTLY EVENT!!!" and a "ridiculous, twice yearly production." He ain't wrong. Think of all the money wasted on paying some poor sap to climb up a tower and fiddle with gears. Money better spent on, I don't know, a wall?

This ain't just some random Boomer rant, either. The House Energy and Commerce Committee – yes, even they – voted 48-1 in favor of a bill that includes the Sunshine Protection Act. Even the swamp creatures know a good thing when they see it. Rep. Vern Buchanan, R-Florida (because of course it's Florida), is leading the charge, bless his heart.

But here's the real kicker: Trump says it's a "very nice WIN for the Republican Party. Take it!" Oh, he's playing 4D chess, folks. Imagine the triggered tears of the woke left when they realize they're stuck with longer days and brighter evenings. The sheer agony!

And let's be real, who actually likes changing the clocks? It's a dumb, antiquated tradition that serves no purpose other than to confuse your microwave and make you feel like you're suffering from mild jet lag. It's time to ditch this nonsense and embrace the eternal sunshine.

The pearl-clutchers will whine about sleep schedules and melatonin or whatever. But remember, these are the same people who think men can get pregnant. Their opinions are about as valuable as a Biden campaign promise.

So, let's get this done, Congress. Pass the Sunshine Protection Act and let's finally make America great all the time, not just during standard time. And if you disagree, well, go back to Europe, commie.

And remember to buy the new Trump-branded sundial; it's the only clock you'll ever need again! (Batteries not included; uses natural sunlight, unlike those green energy scams.)

I would personally like to thank the big man, Trump, for making my days that much brighter. Time for all to rejoice and put our hands in the air.

The retirement of Representative Buchanan has complicated the future of the Sunshine Protection Act, but not even that can stop our man from winning.