SACRAMENTO, CA – Eric Swalwell, the guy who thought banging out bangers in the House while ChiCom spies were allegedly in his contacts, is now facing allegations of sexual misconduct faster than Kamala can avoid answering a direct question. Turns out, Swampy Swalwell might have been doing more than just “working” in his office, if you catch my drift. Is this peak California politics or just another Tuesday?

Villaraigosa, channeling his inner savage, went full scorched earth on Twitter, accusing Swalwell of “skipping town to avoid facing tough questions.” Ouch. Somebody call the burn unit. Is Swalwell hiding? Maybe he's in a bunker somewhere, drafting another embarrassing poem. Remember that gem?

Swalwell's campaign, bless their hearts, is trying to spin this as “false” and “absurd.” Sure, Jan. Tell that to the women allegedly on the receiving end of Swalwell's…advances. Cheyenne Hunt, the woman leading the charge, hasn't dropped the receipts yet, but the internet never forgets, does it?

Katie Porter, fresh off her whiteboard-fueled rage, is playing the “I believe women” card. Textbook. No due process, just pure, unadulterated virtue signaling. She probably has a spreadsheet ready to calculate Swalwell's cancellation coefficient.

Let's be real: Swalwell was never going to win this race. But this? This is comedy gold. It's like watching a dumpster fire in slow motion. He should just drop out and start a podcast called “How Not to Get Canceled.” He'd make a killing.

And the MAGA-tie defense? Seriously? Swalwell's campaign is pulling the same old “blame the right” card. Newsflash: No one cares. If you didn't want to be accused of sexual misconduct, maybe don't allegedly sexually harass people. Just a thought.

Between the pool selfies with the caption “I should be working” and the whole Chinese spy saga, Swalwell's built a brand of cringe. This is just the cherry on top of the fail sundae.

And don't forget the lawsuit about mortgage records. Is this guy allergic to good decisions? Is he actively trying to destroy his own career?

The California gubernatorial primary is gonna be wild. Will Swalwell survive? Probably not. But the memes will live forever. This whole situation is like a reality show that no one asked for but everyone is watching.

So grab your popcorn, folks. California politics just got a whole lot more entertaining. Remember when Gavin Newsom was the biggest joke in the state? Simpler times.

Maybe he'll start an OnlyFans to fund his campaign. Hey, at this point, anything is possible. This is California, after all.

And remember – always back up your hard drive.