Well, well, well. Looks like Sir Keir 'Captain Hindsight' Starmer finally realized that pretending to be a competent leader wasn't working. After Labour got absolutely annihilated in the local elections – losing council seats faster than Biden loses his train of thought – he's decided to do what any desperate politician would do: summon the ghosts of New Labour past. Enter Gordon 'The Clunking Fist' Brown and Harriet 'Woke Warrior' Harman.

Brown, the guy who practically invented quantitative easing and ushered in an era of economic 'prosperity' built on debt, is now going to advise Starmer on...finance. Specifically, how to funnel more cash into defense contracts, because apparently, bombing brown people is more important than fixing potholes in Rotherham. Harman, bless her heart, will be focusing on 'women and girls,' which probably means more gender studies courses and virtue signaling about pronouns while actual problems like the cost of living crisis get ignored. These roles are unpaid, which is surprising given how much Brown loves other people's money.

This whole thing screams of desperation. It's like Starmer looked in the mirror and realized he had the charisma of a damp dishcloth, so he figured, 'Hey, maybe if I surround myself with people who used to be important, some of their residual clout will rub off on me!' Good luck with that, Keir. You're about as likely to revive New Labour as you are to get Boris Johnson to admit he was wrong about anything.

The fact that Labour got curb-stomped by Reform UK and the Greens is hilarious. It's proof that nobody wants what Labour's selling. Reform UK is tapping into the silent majority that is fed up with woke nonsense, and the Greens are siphoning off the soy-sipping millennials who think capitalism is the root of all evil. Labour's stuck in the middle, trying to be everything to everyone, and ending up appealing to absolutely no one. Remember the good ol' days when Labour represented the working class? Now they represent the woke elite and the virtue-signaling middle class.

Clive Betts and Debbie Abrahams are right to call for Starmer's head. He's a disaster. He's about as inspiring as a tax audit. Tony Vaughan suggests an 'orderly transition.' I say, chuck him out the window and let the party sort itself out. Lucy Powell's defense of Starmer is just pathetic. She's basically saying, 'Don't worry, guys, we're just gonna keep doing the same thing that's been failing spectacularly, because change is scary!'