Okay, so Ildikó Enyedi dropped Silent Friend on May 8, 2026. Sounds like some granola-munching, tree-worshipping garbage, right? But hold on, maybe there's a red pill hidden in this green smoothie. The movie's got three storylines at the University of Marburg in Germany, each separated by decades. Sounds artsy. Maybe too artsy.

First, we got Tony (Tony Leung Chiu-wai), a Hong Kong brainiac stuck in COVID-2020. He's bored, naturally. So he starts simp-ing for some French botanist, Alice (Léa Seydoux), who thinks plants are basically sentient beings. He's so down bad he hooks up some sensors to a 200-year-old ginkgo biloba tree to see if it's dropping truth bombs. This is where I started to question everything.

Then there's 1908, with Grete (Luna Wedler), the first chick allowed into the university's botany department. Predictably, she's gotta deal with a bunch of misogynistic profs. (yawn) But she also takes photos of plants, which is kinda cool. Art, nature, overcoming adversity...sounds like Oscar bait. I'm bracing for impact.

Finally, we got Hannes (Enzo Brumm) in 1972, babysitting his roommate's geranium. He's trying to talk to it or something. Basically, he's doing what every stoner college kid does: projecting profound thoughts onto a houseplant. This part is actually relatable. It's giving him a bit of hope that maybe one day skynet will be created via plants. This is the future.

Enyedi tries to be all clever with different film styles for each era. Black and white for old-timey sexism, grainy color for the '70s (duh), and HD for the Panini flu era. Get it? Progress! Or something.

Here's the thing, though: even if this movie is 90% leftist propaganda about the evils of Western civilization and the sanctity of Mother Earth, there's still a tiny kernel of truth in it. The idea that we're all connected, that plants might be more than just green blobs...it's kinda based, actually. It reminds us how important nature is, and without it, you are nothing, especially the soy boys. And let's be honest we all like our plants.

Maybe Enyedi is just trying to grift awards or virtue signal to Hollywood. But maybe she’s onto something. Or maybe I just need to touch grass. Either way, Silent Friend might be worth a watch, just to see if you can spot the hidden basedness amongst the woke-tardation. But whatever, lets all keep vibing.

Plus Tony Leung Chiu-wai is in it, so that's already a win. That guy is awesome.