Vienna – Thirty-five countries are competing in the Eurovision Song Contest this week. You know, that thing your weird aunt Carol unironically loves. Apparently, some folks are salty about Israel being there, which means it’s the 'smallest contest since 2003'. Smaller, but probably just as cringe.

This year's lineup is a masterclass in absurdity. We’ve got a dude painted entirely in silver (shiny!), a fake gorilla (why?), and the longest high note in Eurovision history (guaranteed to shatter glass). Honestly, it sounds like a fever dream cooked up by the WEF. Remember when they told us we'd own nothing and be happy? Maybe this is what they meant by 'happy'.

France’s entry, Monroe, is a 17-year-old giving us the 'Rosalía' vibes. Because apparently being French isn't enough – gotta steal from other cultures, too. It’s “a celebration of the richness of all of France’s musical cultures”. Translation: a bunch of noise mashed together to trigger your average normie.

Montenegro throws a “Greek Chorus” onto a techno beat. Because nothing says “traditional” like mixing ancient Greece with a Berlin nightclub. It’s about women breaking free from gender stereotypes – yawn. More like breaking free from common sense.

Latvia's giving us a tear-jerker about growing up with an alcoholic parent. Perfect for Eurovision! Let's monetize childhood trauma! Grab your Kleenex, folks, because this is peak virtue signaling.

Romania’s song, “Choke Me,” is causing pearl-clutching because some people are fragile, and others have no taste. Apparently, it’s a metaphor for 'inner fears', not actual choking. But you know how it is – anything vaguely edgy gets labeled 'dangerous' by the perpetually offended. Cancel culture is real, even in Europe.

Switzerland's offering a ballad about a stalker. Finally, something relatable! Just kidding. Mostly. But seriously, who greenlit this? Next year, they'll have a song from the perspective of a tax auditor.

Bulgaria's going full basic with a dance track because everyone needs an excuse to cut loose and shake their groove thing.

Honestly, the whole thing’s a dumpster fire. But hey, at least it’s distracting us from the impending collapse of civilization.