DORADAL, Colombia – So, remember Pablo Escobar? That guy who made enough cash to buy a private zoo before the government confiscated it? Well, his hippos are still causing problems. Guess the narco-state left some things behind. Who could have predicted that introducing invasive species would be a bad idea? Oh right, literally everyone except the geniuses who let it happen in the first place.

Now these woke environmentalists are crying about how the hippo poop is ruining the water. Newsflash: animal poop exists. Maybe they should be more concerned about the cartel money laundering that's still going on instead of whining about the pH levels in some swamp. But hey, virtue signaling is the name of the game.

Colombian government's solution? Culling. Which, let's be honest, is probably the most effective way to deal with it. But oh no, the animal rights brigade is having a meltdown. So, now some billionaire in India wants to ship these landmines with legs halfway across the world to his private petting zoo. Because that sounds like a totally sane and risk-free plan. What could possibly go wrong?

Sergio Estrada, a biology professor at Bogotá's Rosario University, even admitted that the process of transporting these massive creatures is a logistical nightmare. But who cares about practicality when you can feel good about saving the hippos? Never mind the environmental impact of putting these things in a completely new ecosystem. That's just collateral damage in the pursuit of woke points.

The Left is having a field day with this, screeching about environmental justice and systemic inequality. Newsflash: Escobar wasn't exactly a beacon of social responsibility. And the real victims here are probably the fish and plants that are getting choked out by hippo crap.

What's next? Are we going to start blaming climate change for the hippo problem? Or maybe demand reparations for the hippos themselves? This whole situation is peak clown world. It's time to stop pandering to the woke mob and start making some rational decisions.

First, if culling is the best way to control the population, then do it. Second, stop letting billionaires play Noah's Ark with dangerous animals. And third, maybe, just maybe, learn from this disaster and stop importing exotic creatures in the first place.

This is just another example of how good intentions pave the road to hell. The government should just make the decision and the Left should cry about it on Tumblr; that's what it's there for.

Let’s be clear: The issue isn't about hippos, it's about who gets to dictate what happens to them. The real lesson here is that virtue signaling is almost always a smokescreen for incompetence and bad decisions. And that sometimes, the simplest solution is the best one.

And for the record, I'm pro-hippo. They didn't ask to be brought to Colombia. They're just doing what hippos do, and that's poop in the water. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do, and you know, start using that Second Amendment, ya know?

Let's get this sorted out, and start thinking seriously about other stuff, like why they still haven't caught Epstein's clients.