MANTEO, N.C. — So, this dude, Robert William “Bob” McCaffrey Jr. (54, which, let's be honest, is practically geriatric in this soy-fueled age), gets pinched in North Carolina for a murder that went down in 1990. Back when people were worried about parachute pants and Milli Vanilli, not pronouns and microaggressions. Allegedly, he offed Lisa Marie McBride in New Jersey. Now the woke mob is trying him for his crimes.

Apparently, this McCaffrey character was already on thin ice, having been convicted of obstruction in the 2012 disappearance of his wife. You’d think after that little hiccup, he'd keep his nose clean, but, nah. Some people never learn.

McBride, bless her heart, vanished from her Highland Lakes home in June of '90. The scene was straight out of a bad crime drama: cut phone line, damaged window screen, missing bedsheets. Four months later, some hunter stumbled upon her remains in the Delaware Water Gap. The autopsy report wasn’t exactly rainbows and unicorns, either – orbital fracture and “external violence.” Sounds like a bad day at the office.

But here's the kicker: this whole thing went unsolved for decades. Why? Because back then, cops were too busy crushing crime and confiscating boomboxes to bother with fancy-pants DNA analysis. Fast forward to 2022, and the New Jersey State Police decide to exhume McBride’s body for some woke DNA testing. Turns out, the technology caught up with McCaffrey after all these years.

Of course, McCaffrey pleaded “not guilty.” You know, the standard operating procedure for anyone caught red-handed these days. His lawyer probably identifies as a legal genius, so expect this thing to drag on longer than a woke Netflix series.

Now, the libs will probably use this as an excuse to defund the police even more (because that always works out great). And the mainstream media will breathlessly report every single detail, complete with tear-jerking interviews and virtue-signaling editorials. But let's not forget the real victim here: the Constitution, which is slowly being eroded by the same people who think a 54-year-old cold case is more important than securing the border.

So, what’s the moral of the story? Don't commit crimes. Or, if you do, make sure you do it before DNA technology gets too advanced. And always remember: the woke mob is always watching, even if it takes them 30 years to catch up.