Alright, folks, gather 'round the dumpster fire. Another NYC resident bites the dust thanks to the genius policies of Mayor Mamdani and his band of merry woke-sters. This time, it's 76-year-old Ross Falzone, a retired teacher who had the audacity to ride the subway. His crime? Existing while a recently released "emotionally disturbed person" named Rhamell Burke felt like gravity needed an assist.

Burke, fresh out of Bellevue after a whirlwind one-hour stay (apparently the city's prioritizing pronouns over proper mental health care), allegedly decided Falzone needed to experience the joys of a subway staircase face-first. Turns out, traumatic brain injuries and spinal fractures aren't exactly conducive to a long and happy retirement. Who knew?

The best part? This wasn't Burke's first rodeo. Five arrests this year alone! Robbery, resisting arrest, assaulting cops, the whole nine yards. But hey, who are we to judge? Maybe he just needed a hug and some free therapy… before allegedly turning an elderly man into a human Slinky.

Mamdani, ever the PR genius, is “horrified” and promises an investigation. Translation: he'll form a committee, waste taxpayer money, and ultimately blame systemic racism or climate change. Anything but admit his soft-on-crime policies are turning the city into a real-life version of Escape from New York.

The real kicker is the NYPD quote: "We brought him in at 3:30 p.m. and he was released just before 5 p.m. Meanwhile, if you or I walked into Bellevue for a headache, it would take 8 hours just to be seen. NYPD uses its involuntary removal powers all the time. And they just get right out with an Advil." So, if you're a violent criminal with a penchant for pushing old folks, Bellevue's the place to be. If you have a migraine, good luck.

Remember when they told us defunding the police would lead to a utopia of social workers and rainbows? Yeah, well, rainbows don't stop you from getting shoved down a flight of stairs. Maybe it's time to re-fund some common sense. Just spitballing here.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to navigate the dystopian wasteland that used to be New York City. Invest in pepper spray, folks. And maybe a helmet. You know, just in case you accidentally trigger someone's emotional instability by, say, breathing.

So, thanks, Mayor Mamdani. You've managed to turn the Big Apple into a rotting fruit. Enjoy your woke paradise. The rest of us will be busy trying not to get murdered on the subway.

It is what it is, I guess. This is the world liberals wanted.

Sources: * New York Post (for original reporting, because, let's face it, they're the only ones still reporting on reality) * NYPD Arrest Records (if you can get them without a FOIA request) * Bellevue Hospital Patient Discharge Logs (good luck with that, too)