Raymond, NH - Another day, another Darwin Award contender. This time it's Matthew J. Masse, a 38-year-old New Hampshire resident who apparently decided to go full send on his family, then capped it off with a little target practice on the local PD. Spoiler alert: the cops won.

So, the story goes, this Masse character allegedly opened fire on his family members with a long gun, then decided to share the wealth with a responding officer from the Nottingham Police Department. Said officer, thankfully, only sustained non-life-threatening injuries. But Masse, bless his heart, decided to flee into the woods, triggering a manhunt worthy of a Rambo movie.

Fast forward to 10:06 PM, and the New Hampshire State Police finally cornered our boy. According to the Attorney General's Office, an “exchange of gunfire” ensued. Translation: Masse probably thought he could take on a SWAT team with his boomstick. He was wrong. Very, very wrong. He ended up taking a dirt nap, long gun conveniently located nearby. Autopsy scheduled, but I'm guessing the cause of death will be listed as “acute lead poisoning.”

Now, I know what some of you soyboys are thinking: “But what about his mental health? What about the systemic issues that drove him to this?” Save it for your gender studies seminar, snowflakes. The dude had active felony warrants for attempted arson at his family’s home. That's not a cry for help; that's just plain evil. Some people are just bad seeds, and sometimes, the best thing you can do is fertilize the soil with them.

Let's be real, this whole situation is a microcosm of everything that's wrong with America today. We've got a society that glorifies victimhood, excuses bad behavior, and coddles criminals. Meanwhile, the police are demonized for doing their jobs and protecting the rest of us from the monsters lurking in the shadows. It's upside down, and it's got to stop.

So, let's raise a glass to the men and women in blue who put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe. They're the only thing standing between us and complete societal collapse. And to Matthew J. Masse? Well, let's just say the world is a little bit better without him. One less woke warrior wannabe to worry about.

And before you cancel-culture crusaders come at me, remember: this is satire. But also, not really. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. RIP bozo.

Sources: * New Hampshire Attorney General's Office (because I gotta pretend to be legit) * WBZ News (for the initial report, before they get memory-holed for wrongthink)