Okay, so the Gilgo Beach dude, Rex Heuermann, this normie-looking architect who was apparently out there playing real-life GTA with actual humans, is now gonna be a lab rat for the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. Three life sentences later, he gets to hang with the ghosts of Bundy, Dahmer, and Gacy. Sounds about right for 2026.

DA Ray Tierney's calling it a 'clinical and academic exercise.' Right. Like the feds actually care about preventing future crime. They just want to write a bestselling book and sell the movie rights to Netflix.

Dr. Ann Wolbert Burgess, bless her heart, thinks they might learn something about how he got away with it for so long. Maybe they should start by looking at the woke DA's that let crime run wild for a decade because feelings or something.

The FBI is probably salivating over the chance to dissect this guy's brain. I'm sure they'll find a whole lot of nothing except maybe some late fees from Blockbuster and a half-eaten bag of Doritos. 'Cause that's what evil looks like these days: suburban dad gone wild.

They wanna know why he did it? Maybe he was tired of paying taxes. Maybe he just hated the commute. Or maybe, just maybe, the system is so broken that even the most milquetoast dudes can snap and become real-life boogeymen.

Sandra Costilla, Melissa Barthelemy, Megan Waterman, Amber Costello, Valerie Mack, Maureen Brainard-Barnes, Jessica Taylor, and Karen Vergata are all resting peacefully while this dude gets the Hannibal Lecter treatment from the feds. Wake me up when they actually solve a crime before eight people end up dead. Until then, keep calm and carry on… because nobody is coming to save us.

So here's my prediction: the FBI will spend millions of taxpayer dollars, write a bunch of reports nobody reads, and then Hollywood will turn it into a feel-good movie about the real victims: the serial killers.