Alright, folks, let's cut the crap. A FedEx dude offed a seven-year-old, chucked her body in the woods like yesterday's news, and now the Usual Suspects are crawling out of the woodwork to virtue signal about systemic blah blah blah. Give me a break.

Tanner Horner, the perp, admitted to strangling little Athena after snatching her while delivering a Christmas present. Apparently, a Barbie doll wasn't enough to satiate his inner demons. Now, the (((prosecutors))) are wringing their hands, trying to decide if he deserves the needle or a comfy life sentence.

The whole thing is a garbage fire, fueled by godless hedonism and the breakdown of the nuclear family. Let's be honest, who's raising these kids these days? They're glued to TikTok, absorbing woke propaganda, and learning how to identify as a toaster oven. No wonder we're seeing a surge in depravity.

And don't even get me started on FedEx. They probably outsourced their background checks to some shady offshore company that uses tarot cards and wishful thinking. But hey, as long as the shareholders are happy, right?

Prosecutor James Stainton claims Horner threatened Athena with the line, 'Don’t scream or I’ll hurt you.' Real smooth, Tanner. Real smooth. Makes you wonder what other gems were rattling around in that twisted mind of his. And Stainton wants you to know that a 7-year-old fought with the strength of 100 men. Ok boomer.

Then there's the DNA evidence – Horner's DNA 'in places where you shouldn’t find DNA on a 7-year-old girl.' I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks there. But hey, at least we're having a national conversation about pronouns, am I right?

What's the solution? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe mandatory Bible study in schools? Public floggings for child predators? A return to traditional gender roles? Probably all of the above. But one thing's for sure: we can't keep pretending that this is just a 'one-off' incident. This is a symptom of a much larger rot.

So, next time you see a FedEx truck rolling down your street, take a long, hard look. Because you never know what kind of monsters are lurking behind the wheel. And maybe, just maybe, start teaching your kids some good old-fashioned situational awareness. It might just save their lives.

And for the love of God, stop letting your kids spend all day on social media. It's turning their brains into mush and making them vulnerable to all sorts of evil influences. This isn't a parenting tip, it's a survival guide.

Ultimately, this isn't about FedEx, or background checks, or even Tanner Horner himself. It's about the soul of a nation that's lost its way. And until we find our way back to God, family, and common sense, we're going to keep seeing these tragedies unfold. So buckle up, buttercups, because it's only going to get worse.

We should probably just nuke the moon and start over at this point. Or at least ban TikTok.