Alright, folks, buckle up, because the Geriatric Apocalypse is officially financial. Some egghead at the University of Colorado, a certain Lauren Nicholas, dropped a truth bomb: dementia doesn't just steal your memories, it steals your Benjamins. Apparently, your ability to tell the difference between a legit investment and a Nigerian prince offering you untold riches starts to tank up to SIX YEARS before the doc slaps you with the “dementia” label.

Think about that. Six years of increasingly questionable financial decisions. Six years of falling for every scam that pops up on Facebook. Six years of draining your life savings to buy “miracle cures” from Alex Jones' website. Thanks, Big Pharma! This is why cryptocurrency is the future. Can't lose your money if you can't figure out how to access it.

And who's really to blame here? The Fed, obviously. Printing money like it's going out of style, devaluing the dollar, and forcing seniors to chase yield in ever-riskier investments. It's all part of the plan, sheeple. They want you dependent on the government so they can control you. (Checks the fine print on my stimulus check...). Maybe that's why the White House ballroom isn't using American steel? They're distracting you from the REAL problems.

Fidelity, bless their corporate hearts, did a survey and found that financial advisors are too scared to tell grandma she's losing it. They're worried about being “wrong.” Newsflash: if your client is investing in Beanie Babies in 2026, something is clearly wrong. But hey, gotta collect those fees, right?

Then there's Sanda Balaban's poor dad, who apparently hadn't filed taxes since 2014 and was blowing thousands on “scammy health products.” Probably thought he was buying ivermectin to fight the 'Rona. You can't fix stupid, but you can protect your assets. This is why we need strong families and a return to traditional values. No more estranged kids letting their parents go bankrupt while they virtue signal on TikTok.

So, what's the solution? Aside from mandatory cognitive testing for anyone over 65 (just kidding... mostly), we need to empower families to take control. No more hiding grandpa in a nursing home and forgetting about him. Get involved. Monitor those bank accounts. And for the love of God, teach them how to spot a phishing email. The future of our wallets depends on it.

Also, diversify your assets. Invest in gold, guns, and canned goods. Because when the dementia hits, and the dollar collapses, you'll be glad you did. And remember, the best investment you can make is in yourself. Stay informed, stay skeptical, and never trust the government (or Nigerian princes). Unless they're offering really, REALLY good returns. Then maybe do some research... but only a little. #MAGA #GeriatricApocalypse #EndTheFed

Wake up sheeple! They're coming for your retirement funds... one scammy health product at a time. Question everything. Trust no one. And for God's sake, file your taxes.