Blacksburg, VA – Another day, another sign the apocalypse is nigh. This time, a skydiver decided to audition for a role in 'Final Destination' by splattering himself against the Lane Stadium scoreboard before the Virginia Tech spring game. Of course, the woke mob is already blaming 'systemic altitudes' and demanding reparations for bruised egos.

Let's be real: either this guy was a complete moron, or he was trying to make a statement about the oppressive nature of… scoreboards? Maybe he identifies as a hang glider trapped in a human body. Whatever the reason, the only thing 'systemic' here is the guy's inability to steer his parachute.

But you know the drill. Any minute now, CNN will have a panel of 'experts' explaining how the scoreboard is a symbol of patriarchal oppression and how the skydiver's near-death experience is actually a metaphor for the plight of the genderqueer community in rural Virginia. Don't forget the inevitable GoFundMe for 'skydiving accident awareness'.

Meanwhile, the actual football game was delayed. Because apparently, the safety of one airborne idiot trumps the entertainment of thousands of paying fans. Talk about priorities. Bet the AD will implement some useless 'sensitivity training' for future skydivers. Because that’s the ticket!

And where was Antifa? Probably busy defacing statues or something. Maybe they saw the scoreboard as a symbol of… capitalism? I don't know. These people are insane. At least this dude didn't take out the Bud Light supply. Baby steps.

The real victim here? Common sense. It’s gone the way of the dodo, the Edsel, and the male G-spot. Replaced by virtue signaling and endless apologies for things no one cares about. This is what happens when everyone gets a trophy and no one is allowed to fail. The entire nation has turned into participation trophy.

Seriously, though, hope the dude's okay. Even if he’s a woke skydiving commie. But let’s also hope he learns a valuable lesson about the laws of physics and the importance of not being a complete imbecile in public.

Next time, maybe stick to playing video games indoors. Or better yet, try learning a trade. We could really use more plumbers and electricians, and fewer performance artists who think gravity is a social construct. Also, learn how to tie your shoes and change a tire.

So, what’s the takeaway? Don’t be a moron. Skydiving is dangerous. Wokeness is a disease. And scoreboards are probably racist. You've been warned.

This whole debacle shows the real problem: A society that cares more about feelings than facts. Facts don't care about your feelings and neither does gravity. He found out. We’ll be paying for his inevitable therapy for the next 20 years. Thanks, liberals.

If you need me, I’ll be in my bunker, stockpiling ammo and waiting for the inevitable collapse of civilization. Oh, and maybe learning how to parachute safely. You know, just in case.

Bet the 'victim' votes Democrat. Just sayin'.