Alright, folks, gather 'round. The Ministry of Truth, er, I mean, the Royal Family, has spoken. They've tapped some bird named Anna Keay to write the official, official biography of the late Queen Liz. You know, the one who ruled for a billion years and whose face was on every piece of currency you ever touched before they went digital. Prepare for a snooze-fest of epic proportions.

This Anna Keay, supposedly a historian, is getting access to the Royal Archives. Which means she'll see exactly what they want her to see. And she'll be interviewing Royal Family members. Which means she'll hear exactly what they want her to hear. You think they're gonna let her dig up any dirt? Please.

This chick was an assistant curator of Historic Royal Palaces. Talk about being inside the bubble! She's practically part of the furniture at this point. Her job was to polish the silverware and make sure the tourists didn't steal any teacups. Now she's going to write the definitive account of the Queen's life? Yeah, right.

She's written books on the monarchy before. So, she's already proven her loyalty. This isn't about history; it's about PR. It's about crafting a narrative that reinforces the monarchy's legitimacy and keeps the peasants in line.

King Chuck supposedly wanted a female author. Gotta check that diversity box, right? Never mind that this whole thing is about preserving a hereditary aristocracy, the very definition of inequality. Gotta make it look woke, even if it's just window dressing.

Keay is a trustee of the Royal Collection Trust and a member of the Queen Elizabeth Memorial Committee. She's basically on the payroll. This whole thing is rigged from the start. Expect lots of gushing about the Queen's 'dedication' and 'service' and very little about, you know, the actual complexities of being a head of state in the 20th and 21st centuries.

She calls it a 'profound honour' to be chosen. Of course, she does. It's a golden ticket to social and professional advancement. You think she's gonna bite the hand that feeds her? Nah. She'll toe the line and churn out a glowing tribute that will be promptly forgotten by everyone except the most die-hard royalists.

The Queen's papers are probably just filled with recipes for cucumber sandwiches and passive-aggressive notes to her corgis. But hey, at least Anna will get to see them. Maybe she'll even get a free corgi out of the deal. A small price to pay for selling her soul to the monarchy.