So, Stormzy's decided to bless us with a biopic of Ian Wright. Right. Get ready for two hours of manufactured outrage and lectures on privilege. Because apparently, a guy who kicked a ball for millions is a victim now.

Wrighty says he wants the film to “give people hope and joy.” Translation: he wants to virtue signal to the masses about how oppressed he was despite making more money than most of us will ever see. Maybe throw in some woke talking points about racism just for good measure. Bet.

Tom Wilton, another product of the Brockley council estate, is directing. Probably got the gig because he can check off the 'diversity' boxes. Meritocracy? Never heard of her.

“Ian’s story is a deeply moving one of heartache, determination and unbelievable triumph.” Heartache? Yeah, from missing open goals maybe. Determination? Sure, to get a bigger paycheck. Unbelievable triumph? He kicked a ball. Let's not pretend he cured cancer.

Wrighty debuted for Crystal Palace at 22. A late bloomer? Nah, just took him a while to figure out how to monetize his talents. Then he became Arsenal’s top scorer. Before Thierry Henry came along and showed him what real talent looked like.

Now he’s reminiscing about his parents arriving on the Windrush. Expect a sob story about that too. Never mind the fact that Britain gave them a chance. Always gotta play the victim card.

Stormzy says Wrighty’s journey is about “resilience, family and believing in yourself against the odds.” Odds? The odds of getting paid millions to kick a ball? Please. He forgot to mention the odds of getting away with dodgy tackles.

Of course, Stormzy's Merky Films is involved. Gotta keep the woke agenda going. Remember that short film where Stormzy plays a 'former rap star'? Yeah, that was Oscar-worthy material right there. eye roll

Bottom line: prepare for a heavily politicized, sanitized version of reality. Expect zero laughs, maximum guilt trips, and a whole lot of virtue signaling. This biopic will probably try to convince you that a millionaire footballer is just like you and me, struggling to make ends meet. Don't fall for it.

But hey, at least it'll provide plenty of fodder for memes. We'll be ready to mock it mercilessly on Twitter. That's the real joy here, innit?