ARONIMINK, Pa. — Okay, so some guy named Alex Smalley is leading the PGA. Alex. Smalley. Sounds like the name your grandma made up for her cat. This is what happens when you let just ANYONE play golf. Next thing you know, they'll be letting women in Augusta. Wait...

Seriously, though, this dude is ranked #78 in the world. That's like being the 78th most attractive dude at Comic-Con. The elites are gonna devour this guy. But hey, at least he gave us a laugh. For a day.

So, Smalley had a couple of bogeys. Who cares? He's still Smalley. The real story is lurking just behind him. We got Rahm, McIlroy, Schauffele... these are the guys who actually matter. They probably let Smalley borrow their spare set of clubs, just for giggles. "I’ve never seen anything like this," Scheffler said. "I’ve never seen a leaderboard this bunched up. It’s quite literally anybody’s tournament." Yeah, anyone but him to take home the bread. Bet.

Smalley admits he doesn't like the spotlight. Of course he doesn't. He's probably used to playing in front of, like, three guys and a golden retriever. Soon he'll know what's up with big golf. Big spotlight. Big pressure. Big money. And a whole lotta disappointment when Rahm sinks a 40-foot putt on the 18th.

Speaking of disappointment, poor Aaron Rai. He's trying to break some century-long curse for English players. Good luck with that, buddy. The universe is stacked against you, just like it's stacked against Smalley. LOL.

Nick Taylor is right. The leaderboard is so bunched up, it's pointless. The only point is to see who chokes the hardest under pressure. Place your bets now, folks! My money's on Smalley spontaneously combusting into a pile of golf tees on the 18th green. "It’s so bunched it was kind of pointless," Taylor said.

Let's be real: this Smalley story is just a temporary glitch in the matrix. By Sunday night, he'll be back to obscurity, and we can all go back to worshipping the same old golf gods. God bless America, and God save us from any more Smalleys.

And if Smalley does win? Well, then I'll eat my MAGA hat. But that ain't happening. This ain't a Disney movie. This is the real world, baby. A world where the rich get richer, and the Smalleys get... Smalleyed.