Alright folks, listen up. Super Typhoon Sinlaku, probably named by some woke weather person, is messing things up in the Northern Mariana Islands and Guam. Coast Guard’s out there looking for six people who apparently thought they could outrun a Cat 5 in a dinghy. Spoiler alert: they couldn’t.

Tinian and Saipan got hammered. Guam’s got flash floods. You know, Guam, where we keep our military bases. Because apparently, nobody told Mother Nature that we’re trying to project power and stuff. Maybe we should send her a strongly worded tweet?

Six people missing? Tragic. Really. But let’s be real, someone should have checked the weather forecast. Personal responsibility, people! It's a concept. Maybe they were distracted by the pronoun debate du jour? Just sayin’.

And the left is already screaming about climate change. Of course they are. Every time a leaf falls, it's 'climate change'. Newsflash: storms happen. They’ve been happening since Noah built the ark. This ain’t new, folks. But hey, never let a good crisis go to waste, amirite?

Meanwhile, the Coast Guard, bless their hearts, are out there doing the real work. Real heroes. Unlike those virtue-signaling celebrities lecturing us from their beachfront mansions. Where's their sacrifice?

Guam’s got military bases. You know, the ones we need to keep China from turning the Pacific into their personal playground. Hope they're not too busy dealing with the flooding to, like, defend freedom or something. Priorities, people! Priorities!

So, what’s the takeaway? Storms are bad. Be prepared. Don’t rely on the government to hold your hand. And maybe, just maybe, don’t name typhoons after things that sound like feminist slogans. Just a thought.

Thoughts and prayers to those affected, and may the odds be ever in the Coast Guard's favor. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go stock up on canned goods and ammunition. Just in case.

We’ll rebuild. We always do. It's what we do. But next time, let’s try to avoid disasters with names that sound like kombucha flavors. K thanks.

Sources: * National Hurricane Center * U.S. Coast Guard News