CANBERRA – Hold onto your soy lattes, snowflakes! Tony Abbott, the man who single-handedly triggered the entire Australian left, is back. Our boy's been nominated as the new federal Liberal Party president, courtesy of Charlie Taylor, brother of opposition leader Angus Taylor. That's right, seven years after losing his seat in Warringah, the Mad Monk is back in the game, ready to make leftist heads explode.

Abbott's running unopposed for the prez gig – Alexander Downer's chickened out and is going for a VP spot instead. Next weekend in Melbourne, the Liberal Party's federal council is gonna make it official. Get ready for triggered Twitter threads, because the left is about to lose its collective mind. He'll be succeeding John Olsen.

Now, the party president is supposedly an unpaid admin job, all about spreadsheets and boring campaign stuff. But let's be real, with Abbott at the helm, this is gonna be anything but boring. The normies are shaking in their boots thinking he’ll pull the party too far right. Cry more, we say.

Before the coronation, the usual suspects were already whining about how Angus Taylor would have “rocks in his head” to back Abbott. Abbott himself played it cool at the Sydney Writers’ Festival, talking about helping Angus Taylor become the next PM. Yeah, right. We know what's up.

"I am thinking about doing everything I can to help Angus Taylor to be the 32nd prime minister of Australia,” Abbott said. “I think that the best thing that I can do towards that is to help him, by, if the coming Federal Council so chooses, being the President of the party.”

He added, “I believe it is my duty to serve the Liberal party to the best of my ability: if the Liberal party calls, and it seems that what they’re calling for is for someone such as me to be the president.” Translation: He's back to MAGA the Liberal Party, Aussie-style.

Meanwhile, over in Victoria, Brian Loughnane, who is married to Peta Credlin – Abbott’s old chief of staff – is set to take over as state president. This is shaping up to be a full-scale Abbott takeover of the Liberal Party. Grab your popcorn, folks, because the next few years are gonna be epic.

They're still cleaning up after the Moira Deeming preselection clusterfuck in March, where some dude endorsed a sex offender. The Liberal Party reviewed its vetting processes. But let's be honest, that kind of chaos is nothing compared to the chaos Abbott is about to unleash. The establishment is quaking. The based are rejoicing. The left is malding. This is gonna be fun. Prepare for glory.