CUPERTINO, Calif. — Tim Cook's outtie! The long-suffering shareholders of Apple can finally breathe a sigh of relief. The woke CEO is stepping down, replaced by John Ternus, the hardware guy. Maybe, just maybe, this means Apple can get back to building cool stuff instead of virtue-signaling to the perpetually offended.

Cook's reign was a masterclass in turning Steve Jobs' legacy into a soy-infused corporate hellscape. Sure, the stock went up, but at what cost? Endless lectures about climate change and social justice from a company that relies on slave labor in China? Spare us.

Ternus, bless his heart, has the unenviable task of cleaning up this mess. He's a hardware engineer, not a diversity consultant. Let's hope he understands that the key to Apple's success is building innovative products, not pandering to the Twitter mob.

Deep state analysts are already whispering about the potential for Apple to ditch its woke agenda under Ternus's leadership. Could this be the end of mandatory pronoun training and virtue-signaling product launches? One can only dream.

The big question: can Ternus resist the siren song of ESG investing? Will he prioritize profits over pronouns? The future of Apple – and possibly Western civilization – hangs in the balance.

Cook's legacy will be one of missed opportunities and corporate wokeness. He turned a revolutionary company into a boring, predictable, politically correct behemoth. Good riddance.

Ternus needs to channel his inner Steve Jobs and remind everyone that Apple is about innovation, not indoctrination. He needs to fire the diversity officers, cut the virtue-signaling ad campaigns, and get back to building products that people actually want.

But let’s be real, the chances of Apple completely abandoning its woke ways are slim. The company is deeply entrenched in the ESG cult. Still, a man can hope. Maybe Ternus can at least dial it back a few notches.

It's time for Apple to stop apologizing for its success and start embracing its role as a driver of innovation. It's time to stop pandering to the perpetually offended and start focusing on its customers.

Time to drain the Cupertino swamp, one woke executive at a time. Or, you know, at least stop making iPhones with rainbows on them.

Sources:

* Apple's DEI Reports (for comedy purposes only) * Cato Institute