Alright, folks, gather 'round the digital campfire. Ol' Ted Turner, the dude who thought 'Alexander the Great, but with cable' was a solid business plan, has finally shuffled off this mortal coil. 87 years old. Not bad for a guy who probably mainlined unfiltered capitalism since birth.

CNN. Yeah, that's his baby. Born in a converted Jewish country club in Atlanta, because of course it was. I mean, where else do you hatch a plan to brainwash the masses with non-stop doom and gloom? (Okay, maybe MSNBC headquarters, but that's beside the point.)

Eason Jordan, some suit who used to run the show at CNN, says Turner got the idea from 24-hour radio and ESPN. Makes sense. Steal from the best, right? But let's be real, Ted didn't just steal; he super-sized it. Turned the news into a never-ending buffet of fear-mongering and virtue signaling. (Before virtue signaling was even a thing, mind you.)

Then NBC and Fox jumped on the bandwagon. And suddenly, everyone's got a hot take, and the country's more divided than a pizza at a woke college campus. Thanks, Ted! (Kidding. Sort of.)

He had opinions, our Ted. Liberal-ish, they say. But he wanted CNN to be 'objective.' Sure, Jan. That's like saying the Kardashians are 'natural.'

Jordan calls him a 'visionary, a trailblazer, a rabble-rouser, a do-gooder.' I call him a guy who made a buttload of money by exploiting people's anxieties. But hey, tomato, tomahto.

And the Raquel Welch story? Peak Ted. Guy's got swagger. Can't deny that. But did he ever understand the internet? Did he see the meme apocalypse coming? Doubtful.

Remember when CNN was 'Chicken Noodle News'? Good times. Now it's more like 'Globalist Propaganda Soup.' Progress!

So, raise a glass (of bison-flavored whiskey, maybe?) to Ted Turner. He gave us 24/7 news, a bison steakhouse, and a whole lotta fodder for conspiracy theories. May his legacy live on… or at least until Elon buys CNN and turns it into a meme factory.