Alright, meat-eaters, gather 'round. The perpetually-offended virtue signalers over at the British Journal of Cancer (funded by the World Cancer Research Fund, naturally) have dropped a new study that's probably got them all patting themselves on the back. Apparently, eating like a rabbit might lower your risk of, like, five different cancers. But before you toss your bacon in the trash, let's unpack this woke garbage.

According to these latte-sipping academics, vegetarians have a 21% lower risk of pancreatic cancer, a 12% lower risk of prostate cancer, and a 9% lower risk of breast cancer. They're also supposedly less likely to get kidney cancer and multiple myeloma. Sounds great, right? Except… hold on a minute.

Turns out, these enlightened herbivores are almost twice as likely to get squamous cell carcinoma of the oesophagus. Whoops. And vegans? Prepare for the colonoscopy, kids, because you're staring down a 40% higher risk of bowel cancer. Suddenly, that T-bone doesn't seem so bad, does it?

Dr. Aurora Pérez-Cornago, the study's lead virtue signaler, gushed about how this is "really good news" for vegetarians. Sure, if you ignore the parts where they're more likely to get other types of cancer. Classic lefty selective hearing, folks.

The study, which tracked over 1.8 million people (mostly meat-eaters, thankfully), is just more ammunition for the agenda-pushing plant-based crowd. They'll use this garbage to guilt-trip you into swapping your burger for a pile of kale. Don't fall for it.

Prof. Tim Key, another member of the ivory tower brigade, admitted that they don't even know why vegetarians might have a lower risk of some cancers. Maybe it's the lack of delicious, life-affirming meat. Maybe it's because they spend all their time obsessing over their diets instead of enjoying life. Who knows?

This whole thing reeks of the same old anti-meat propaganda we've been hearing for years. They'll trot out some flimsy 'study' and scare everyone into eating less meat. But here's the truth: humans have been eating meat for millennia. It's part of our DNA. It's what made us the apex predators we are today. You think cavemen were munching on tofu?

And let's not forget the virtue signaling. Going vegetarian isn't about health; it's about feeling superior to everyone else. It's about posting vegan recipes on Instagram and judging anyone who dares to order a steak. It's about signaling your moral superiority to the world, one bland, flavorless meal at a time. It's a lifestyle choice, just like being a furry, but one the vegans push on everyone else. A meat eater doesn't give you shit for enjoying your kale. A vegan, however, is the Jehovas witness of dinner parties.

So, go ahead, eat your veggies. But don't pretend it's some kind of moral crusade. It's just food. And don't expect it to magically cure cancer. The only thing guaranteed to lower your risk of cancer is dying first, and even that's not a sure thing these days.

In conclusion, eat what you want. Enjoy your life. And don't let the soyboys and the kale-munchers guilt-trip you into giving up the sweet, sweet taste of freedom, wrapped in bacon.

Besides, this study probably used the kind of woke math that lets dudes get pregnant.