ORLANDO, FL – Alright, folks, gather 'round, because the saga of the Sloth World theme park is even more bonkers than you thought. Turns out, 31 sloths went toes-up in an unheated warehouse, and now the Florida swamp is draining itself… or at least pretending to.

So, some woke entrepreneur thought it'd be a great idea to import a bunch of sloths from the rainforest, stick 'em in a warehouse in Orlando, and charge tourists $50 a pop to watch them… do absolutely nothing. Shockingly, the business model didn't exactly take off. The sloths, reportedly victims of “cold stun” (probably because the owners spent all their money on avocado toast and none on actual heating), didn't fare so well.

Now, Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier (probably angling for a higher office) is swooping in like a majestic bald eagle… to investigate sloth deaths. Because, you know, that's totally the biggest problem facing the Sunshine State. Meanwhile, inflation is still eating your paycheck, and the border is wide open, but hey, at least the sloths are getting justice… posthumously.

Of course, the usual suspects are piling on. State Rep. Anna Eskamani, who's apparently running for mayor of Orlando on a platform of “Save the Sloths!”, is demanding answers. Because, naturally, this is totally a state-level emergency requiring immediate legislative action. Maybe she can introduce a bill requiring all Florida warehouses to be heated to a balmy 80 degrees year-round, paid for by taxing… I don’t know, tourists?

The best part? The Sloth World proprietor has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Because, duh. Turns out, running a theme park dedicated to the laziest animal on Earth is not exactly a recipe for financial success. Who could have possibly predicted that?

But wait, there's more! The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC), those paragons of efficiency and competence, apparently had no idea these sloths were dying until they just happened to stroll by the warehouse on a completely “unannounced visit.” Right. And I just happened to stumble across a winning lottery ticket while picking up my groceries. Coincidence, I'm sure.

So, what's the takeaway here? Simple: government regulation is a joke, woke capitalism is a scam, and sloths are apparently not as resilient as we thought. But hey, at least we got a good meme out of it. #SlothGate #FloridaManStrikesAgain #RIPSloths