Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this week's news is just a steaming pile of 'hold my beer' moments. We've got global leaders LARPing as emperors, woke snowflakes ruining the Olympics, and a royal pervert making Epstein look like a choir boy. What a time to be alive, amirite?

First up, the elites are apparently fantasizing about a world where the US isn't the global babysitter. Good luck with that, fellas. You think China's gonna be all sunshine and rainbows? Spoiler alert: they're just gonna build more concentration camps and steal our intellectual property. The 'shared values' line is particularly hilarious, considering half these countries are run by dictators who make Kim Jong-un look reasonable. History tells us a world of roaming great powers ain't safe, but hey, maybe this time it'll be different. (Narrator: It won't).

Then there's the Milano Cortina Winter Olympics, now officially the Woke Olympics. Apparently, athletes can't even enjoy a gold medal without virtue signaling or whining about Trump. Remember when the Olympics were about, ya know, ATHLETICS? Now it's just another platform for grievance studies majors to air their grievances. Just wait 'til LA 2028. I'm predicting pronoun pins and kneeling ceremonies every five minutes.

Oh, and speaking of garbage humans, let's not forget Prince Andrew, the royal who makes you question the concept of the monarchy. Apparently, he's been living a life of pure excess, funded by…well, who knows? And people are shocked? He's a freakin' royal! They're basically professional moochers. I'm sure his post-arrest mugshot will be hanging in the Louvre any day now.

Then we have Gisèle Pelicot, a victim who is trying to reclaim her narrative after unspeakable horror. Can't even joke about this one. The strength and courage it takes to speak out about the darkest experiences in life are not to be taken lightly.

Next up: 9/11. Good on the composer that seemed to sum up the mood after the attacks. Let us never forget that day.

Finally, we have some poor soul trying to figure out dating in Europe. Honestly, just stay single. It's less drama and you get to keep all your money. But hey, if you're into sex first, dinner later, knock yourself out. Just don't come crying to me when you end up with a broken heart and a crippling STD.

So, there you have it: six reasons why we're all doomed. But hey, at least we have memes, right?