Alright, boomer's gone. Ted Turner, the guy who brought you CNN – the original fake news factory and progenitor of the 24/7 outrage cycle – finally kicked the bucket at 87. Turns out selling your soul to Time Warner and then developing Lewy body dementia isn't the best retirement plan. Who knew?

Let's be real, Ted. You may have thought you were just giving people the news, but you unleashed a monster. A monster that feeds on fear, division, and constant updates about celebrity divorces. You replaced actual journalism with talking heads screaming at each other for ratings. Congrats, you played yourself.

Mark Thompson, some suit at CNN, had this to say: “Ted was an intensely involved and committed leader, intrepid, fearless and always willing to back a hunch and trust his own judgment. He was and always will be the presiding spirit of CNN. Ted is the giant on whose shoulders we stand, and we will all take a moment today to recognize him and his impact on our lives and the world.” Yeah, a giant pile of garbage news. Thanks for nothing, Mark.

Then there's the whole UN thing. Turner threw a BILLION dollars at the United Nations Foundation. Because, you know, the UN is a shining beacon of efficiency and good governance. Totally not a corrupt, bloated bureaucracy full of anti-American commies. According to the foundation, “Ted’s goals in establishing the foundation were to demonstrate the value of investing in the UN, encourage new partners to work with the UN and promote strong US leadership at the UN.” Riiiiight. Investing in globalist elites who hate America. Solid plan, Ted. Solid plan.

And don't forget the Nuclear Threat Initiative. Apparently, giving money to people who want to disarm America is a good idea too. You were really playing 4D chess, Ted. Or maybe you were just senile. Hard to tell these days.

Time magazine named him “Man of the Year” in 1991. That should tell you everything you need to know. Mainstream media loves guys who create echo chambers and push globalist agendas. Shocker.

So, farewell, Ted. You created a monster, funded the globalists, and probably ruined Thanksgiving for your family with your dementia-fueled rants. You won't be missed. At least not by anyone who still has two brain cells to rub together. Maybe now we can finally get some real news. (Narrator: They won't.)