WASHINGTON – So, some folks got the tummy rumbles from raw cheddar cheese made by Raw Farm in California. Nine, to be exact. And naturally, the usual suspects are screaming about corporate greed and the evils of unpasteurized dairy. As if wanting real milk is now a crime against humanity.

According to the FDA – aka the Fun Destroyers of America – more than half of the victims are little kids. Cue the outrage machine. Three people were hospitalized with the dreaded E. coli – O157:H7 – and one poor soul got hit with hemolytic uremic syndrome, which sounds like something out of a sci-fi horror flick.

Apparently, Raw Farm, the undisputed king of raw milk in the US, is the prime suspect. And get this, they’ve been down this road before. In 2024, their milk allegedly gave some cats the bird flu. Two kitties didn't make it. Talk about a bad purr-mance. Then, they were linked to a massive salmonella outbreak that turned 165 people into walking biohazards. Sounds like they need to hire a shaman or something.

But here's the kicker: Raw Farm's president, Aaron McAfee, isn't backing down. He told NBC News he won’t voluntarily recall anything unless there's “direct proof” linking his cheese to the projectile vomiting. Dude's got a point. Innocent until proven guilty, right? Even for raw milk barons.

“We’ve sampled 81 samples that we purchased off retail stores in California, where we continue to sell and those were all negative. If I had any concern, I would have issued a voluntary recall,” McAfee said.

Of course, the FDA hasn't issued a mandatory recall – probably too busy banning gas stoves and plastic straws. But they did suggest Raw Farm pull their cheese off the shelves. You know, for the children.

Meanwhile, the CDC – those paragons of pandemic panic – are telling people to maybe not eat the cheese. Groundbreaking advice, guys. Also, wash your cheese graters. Because germs are, like, a thing.

Look, nobody wants to spend their weekend hugging the porcelain throne. But let's not pretend this is some grand conspiracy. People have been eating raw cheese for centuries without spontaneously combusting. Maybe this is just a case of bad luck, bad cheese, or bad hygiene. Or maybe people need to build up their immune systems by eating dirt like our forefathers.