Okay, so now the narrative is that kids' feet are doomed because... shoe stores are closing? Seriously? The same geniuses who can't define what a woman is now want us to believe that parents are too dumb to buy shoes that fit? This is where we're at, folks.

Apparently, over 1,000 shoe shops have gone belly up since 2020, according to some property analyst nerds at Green Street. Because, ya know, Amazon exists. And these 'experts' think this means kids are gonna be hobbling around with feet mangled by ill-fitting Payless specials? Get real.

Some lady named Nadia Arden-Scott from something called Footwear Hub (sounds legit) is wringing her hands about parents doing 'DIY shoe fitting' and causing 'long-term damage.' Right, because measuring a foot is rocket science. This is just another attempt to infantilize adults and make everyone dependent on 'experts' for basic life skills.

They've launched a 'fit well, grow well' campaign. Translation: 'Gimme your money and I'll tell you what size shoe your kid wears.' It's virtue signaling disguised as foot care. Bet they're pushing 'sustainable' vegan leather, too.

Podiatrists are predictably chiming in with horror stories about bunions and fallen arches. Yeah, because no one ever had foot problems before Amazon Prime. This is just the latest installment of 'everything is awful because capitalism,' brought to you by the perpetually outraged.

Jill Ferrari, some podiatrist and 'academic' (double whammy!), is warning about toe deformities and reduced gait efficiency. I'm sure kids in the developing world, who are actually barefoot, are just devastated by this news. Seriously, lady, chill out.

Another Footwear Hub founder, Tanya Marriott, is 'deeply concerned.' Deeply concerned? About shoes? Honey, there's a war in Ukraine, the border's wide open, and Biden's still in office. Maybe adjust your priorities.

The solution? Stop being a bunch of helpless sheep and learn how to measure your kid's foot. It's not that hard. And maybe, just maybe, teach your kids some personal responsibility while you're at it. The world doesn't need more podiatry patients; it needs more self-reliant, functioning adults.