Alright, lads and lasses, buckle up, because the Ministry of Truth – sorry, the UK National Screening Committee (UKNSC) – is here to tell you that prostate cancer screenings are basically a scam. Yeah, you heard that right. Turns out, according to these geniuses, sticking your finger up there (metaphorically speaking, thanks to modern medicine) to check for the Big C is “likely to cause more harm than good.”

So, what gives? Well, apparently, all those PSA tests are leading to overdiagnosis and overtreatment. In other words, they're finding cancer that wouldn't actually kill you, and then blasting you with radiation or lopping off your prostate, leaving you incontinent and impotent. Sounds like a real party, right?

Now, before you start stockpiling kale smoothies and praying to the woke gods of wellness, there's a catch. If you've got the BRCA2 gene – you know, the one Angelina Jolie made famous – and a family history of the usual suspects (boobs, ovaries, pancreas, prostate), then, by all means, get your bits checked every two years between 45 and 61. Because apparently, in that case, the risk is worth the reward.

But what about the rest of us regular blokes? What about Black men, who are at higher risk of prostate cancer? Well, the UKNSC is still “uncertain” whether screening would do more good than harm for them. So, basically, tough luck. Maybe try manifesting good health with crystals or something.

Prof Sir Mike Richards, the head honcho at UKNSC, wants us to know that they “absolutely recognize the strong support for prostate cancer screening.” But he also wants us to know that “screening can reduce deaths from prostate cancer to a small extent, and it does not improve overall survival.” So, basically, it's a wash.

He goes on to say that many men “will live full lives” without the disease causing harm, and that screening can “only help if it can separate out that harmful disease from the harmless disease.” Which, apparently, it can't do very well. So, thanks for nothing, science!

And the kicker? “Once a prostate cancer is found, we still can’t reliably tell which cancers need treatment and which do not,” Richards admits. So, you're basically rolling the dice. Do you risk getting treated for a cancer that might not kill you, or do you ignore it and hope for the best? What a time to be alive.