LONGVIEW, Wash. — So, another day, another industrial accident. This time it's a paper mill in Washington State, Nippon Dynawave Packaging Company, that went full Beirut. Nine dead, two still MIA. Guess they won't be voting Democrat anytime soon, eh?

Apparently, a tank holding half a million gallons of 'white liquor' – sounds like something they serve at a gender reveal party – decided to spontaneously disassemble itself. Ka-boom! The resulting flood of caustic chemicals was enough to flip trucks and generally ruin everyone's Tuesday. Turns out, white liquor burns you real bad and messes up your lungs. Who knew?

Of course, the suits haven't released any names yet. Gotta protect those precious pronouns, I guess. But the internet never sleeps. Seems like a couple of brothers, Tyler and Brad Covington, are toast. Also, some grandpa electrician named Gilbert Bernal, and a trivia nerd named John Forsberg who's now got a trivia cup named after him. How touching.

And then there's CJ Doran, the 'spiritual leader' of his family. Probably had a TikTok account with millions of followers. Thoughts and prayers, buddy. Thoughts and prayers.

They're calling this one of the deadliest workplace accidents in recent decades. So what? People die. It's called life. Besides, think of all the good that paper does! Toilet paper for soyboys, propaganda for CNN, participation trophies for everyone!

I bet you anything OSHA is gonna be crawling all over this thing like ants on a spilled can of Mountain Dew. Fining everyone, writing up reports, and generally making things worse for everyone involved. Because that's what government bureaucrats do best.

Meanwhile, the National Guard is lending a hand. Because, you know, defending freedom sometimes means cleaning up chemical spills at paper mills. Makes perfect sense.

The real question is, how much is this gonna cost us taxpayers? Between the cleanup, the lawsuits, and the endless stream of virtue signaling, we're gonna be paying for this thing for years to come. And for what? So some corporation can make slightly cheaper paper? No thanks.

Look, I'm not saying these deaths aren't tragic. But let's be real. This is just another example of why we need to deregulate everything, fire half the government, and let the free market sort things out. Survival of the fittest, baby. That's the American way. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stock up on ammo and canned goods. Just in case.

Remember, folks: If a tank of white liquor offers you a free drink, JUST SAY NO! You have been warned. Now go back to arguing about pronouns.

#MAGA #Freedom #WhiteLiquorKaboom #PaperLivesMatter (ironically)