Vacaville, CA – Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because the future is here, and it's dumber than a box of rocks. Some certified genius in Vacaville, California, decided to get absolutely hammered and pass out in his self-driving car. Yes, you read that right. He entrusted his life to a computer program while being inebriated. What could possibly go wrong?

So, this paragon of responsibility is cruising along, probably blasting mumble rap and dreaming of soy lattes, when he decides to take a little nap. Except, you know, the car's still moving. Because Skynet is in charge now. Luckily, some normie saw this train wreck in progress and called 911. Props to that guy for not just filming it for TikTok.

The cops roll up and find Mr. Wonderful slumped over, surrounded by an open box of Franzia, a half-empty bottle of something equally classy, and enough takeout to feed a small village. Turns out, he was not only drunk but also high. Talk about a balanced breakfast for the modern man.

Now, the libs are probably gonna screech about regulating self-driving cars even more. As if adding another layer of bureaucracy is gonna fix stupid. Newsflash: you can't legislate common sense. This dude was a walking, talking, self-propelled hazard long before he got into the car.

And let's be real, these self-driving cars are already glitchy enough. Remember that time a Tesla tried to drive into a concrete barrier? Or when another one slammed on the brakes for no reason? We're trusting these things with our lives? Hard pass.

But hey, at least the car had more situational awareness than the driver. That's a low bar, but still. One commenter on social media nailed it: "That time when his vehicle had more situational awareness than he did." Pure gold.

This whole debacle is a perfect example of why we need less government and more personal responsibility. Instead of blaming the car, let's blame the idiot who decided to get wasted and rely on a computer to drive him home. Maybe we should bring back public shaming. A good old-fashioned stocks and pillory might do the trick.

And while we're at it, let's stop pretending that technology is the answer to all our problems. Self-driving cars are cool and all, but they're not a substitute for common sense, sobriety, and a basic understanding of how the world works. This is what happens when we let algorithms dictate our lives. We get wasted drivers, out-of-control cars, and a society that's dumber than ever.

So, the next time you're thinking about getting behind the wheel after a few too many, remember this story. And maybe, just maybe, call a taxi. Or, you know, just don't be a complete moron.

Sources:

* Vacaville Police Department Facebook Page * National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) Recalls Database * Babylon Bee (for comedic relief, obviously)