Columbia, SC – The Murdaugh freakshow is back in town, baby! After getting his murder conviction yeeted over jury tampering (thanks, Becky!), Alex Murdaugh's lawyers are back to the drawing board. Alternate suspects? DNA shenanigans? Sounds like someone's watching too much Law & Order. Oh, and Murdaugh's suing the court clerk now? Because of course he is. Get ready for more lib outrage when he walks free.

Meanwhile, in Commie York, some dude named Luigi Mangione is accused of offing a United Healthcare CEO. The twist? New York's 'defendant-friendly' laws might just let him skate. You know, the kind of laws that let perps back on the street to commit more crimes. #ThanksDeBlasio. So much for being tough on crime, amirite?

Over in Utah, Tyler Robinson, the alleged Charlie Kirk assassin, is trying to seal evidence and punish the prosecutors. Can't make this stuff up, folks. The Left wants you disarmed, but they are fighting tooth and nail to make sure criminals get a fair shake?

And then there's Charles Berry, the alleged Roberta Walls cold case killer, who thought he could outsmart DNA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, pal. I'm here for it. #MAGA

But wait, there's more! Some influencer mom, Gabriela Gonzalez, allegedly tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to take out her baby daddy, Jack Avery. The dark web, y'all! It's not just for buying illegal fidget spinners anymore. Also, someone's husband was actually Canadian the whole time. In this economy?! The absolute state of things. You can't make this stuff up. Time to buy more ammo and pray to based God Emperor Trump.