WASHINGTON – So, the Fed's pet inflation gauge, the Personal Consumption Expenditures (PCE) price index, just hit 3.8% in April. Highest level since May 2023. You know, back when things were totally chill. This is fine. Everything is fine. Time to buy more ramen and hodl.

Of course, the geniuses in charge blame the Iran thing. Classic. Because bombing brown people always solves problems, especially when it comes to gas prices. Who could have seen that coming? (Everyone.) Supply chains are now officially “disrupted,” which is bureaucrat-speak for “we’re gonna fleece you harder.”

The PCE index is supposed to be super-smart because it tracks what people actually buy when stuff gets expensive. Like, instead of steak, you buy hot dogs. Instead of driving, you take the bus (lol, good luck with that). But even with all that fancy math, inflation is still mooning.

The Fed's gonna do what they always do: jack up interest rates. Which will totally crush the economy and send us all spiraling into a debt-fueled abyss. But hey, at least inflation will be under control… probably. Until the next crisis, anyway.

Remember that time they told us inflation was “transitory”? Good times. Now it’s “geopolitical tensions.” Next, it’ll be “sunspots” or “Gremlins in the White House.” Anything but admitting they printed too much money and screwed everything up.

The historical precedent here is basically every civilization that collapsed because they debased their currency. Rome, Weimar Germany, Venezuela… We’re in good company! At least we have memes.

The real solution? Stop printing money. Stop fighting pointless wars. Stop pretending government can solve everything. But hey, that’s just crazy talk. Let’s go back to arguing about pronouns while the economy burns.

So yeah, 3.8%. Buckle up, buttercups. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Remember to thank your local politicians and central bankers for their hard work… of destroying your savings.

Sources:

* U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) (for the lulz) * ShadowStats.com (because they're probably closer to the truth) * Wikipedia (for historical context on hyperinflation)