So, Hornby, those purveyors of vaguely British nostalgia, just yeeted Scalextric to some outfit called Purbeck Capital Partners for a cool £20 million. Translation: the suits decided toy trains are where the REAL money's at, and slot cars are for… shudders …the normies. Another one bites the dust, another childhood memory commodified and sold to the highest bidder. Cope, lefties!

Let's be real, Scalextric was dying a slow death anyway. Who needs plastic cars when you can stare at a screen all day and virtue signal? Kids these days are too busy LARPing as climate warriors to appreciate the visceral thrill of watching a tiny car spin out and crash. SAD!

Purbeck is run by some dude named Mark Brown, ex-CEO of a booze company. Naturally. Because what better way to improve childhood development than with tiny cars sponsored by Southern Comfort? Based.

Castelnau, Hornby's overlords, are spinning this as a win-win. Debt reduction! Strategic alignment! Blah blah blah. Translation: they needed the cash. Remember when Mike Ashley, the tracksuit enthusiast, got involved? Yeah, that was a sign. The whole thing stinks of desperation, but hey, at least someone's making a profit.

Brown is yapping about “expanding into new areas of motor sport and helping to build physical and hand-eye coordination skills.” Sure, Jan. More likely, he'll slap some NFTs on the cars and call it “metaverse integration.” Prepare for Scalextric 2.0: Woke Edition, complete with gender-neutral cars and tracks made from recycled quinoa. The horror!

But hey, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe Purbeck will actually invest in the brand and make it cool again. Maybe they'll bring back the flame-spitting supercars and the death-defying loop-de-loops. One can only hope. But probably not.

The delisting from the stock market? Smart move. Less oversight means more room to… innovate. Or, you know, whatever. The suits gonna suit.

So raise a glass (of Southern Comfort, naturally) to the memory of Scalextric, the glory days of slot car racing, and the inevitable decline of everything fun. At least we had a good run before the woke mind virus infected our toys. The game is rigged. At least for the normies.

The company experienced a surge in hobby interest during the Covid-19 pandemic, perhaps because adults suddenly had free time they didn't know what to do with, but it remains to be seen if that level of enthusiasm will ever return to pre-COVID levels.

At least the new head of Scalextric hopes to develop the business into new areas, and hopefully that includes more than just 'balancing time spent online versus real world activities'. Kids need more than just a healthy balance of on and offline time. They need a healthy dose of lead paint and asbestos!