Alright, listen up, snowflakes. Oxford nerds have cooked up some AI that can predict heart failure. Five years out. Apparently, it stares at your CT scans and sees the 'unhealthy fat' building a cardiac condo. Sounds like science fiction, but hey, maybe it's legit. Or maybe it's just another way for Big Pharma to get richer and control your life.

Sixty million people worldwide got the bum ticker blues. And the 'experts' say catching it early is a 'big step forward.' Groundbreaking, I know. But hold your horses before you start trusting these guys. Remember when they told us eggs were bad? Then good? Now they're probably gonna cause climate change or something.

This AI doohickey looks at the flab around your heart. Not visible to the human eye, they say. So, basically, only a computer can tell you you're a fatass now. Great. Thanks, Skynet. Gotta love being judged by algorithms.

They scanned 72,000 Brits for this study. England, of course. Land of bad teeth and worse food. But hey, at least they have free healthcare… until it collapses under the weight of woke ideology and gender studies degrees. Eighty-six percent accuracy? That's pretty good, even for something cooked up in a lab. But don't bet the farm on it.

Apparently, the high-risk group is 20 times more likely to kick the bucket from heart failure. A one in four chance within five years. So, basically, if the AI says you're screwed, you might be screwed. Or maybe you'll get lucky. Who knows? Life's a gamble, especially when you're relying on government-funded science.

This Professor Charalambos Antoniades guy brags about using 'developments in bioscience and computing.' Sounds like a typical academic trying to justify his existence. He wants to apply this to ANY chest CT scan. Translation: more data collection, more surveillance, more control. Wake up, sheeple.

Now they want 'regulatory approval' to shove this AI into the NHS. Because, you know, the NHS is working so well. Maybe they should focus on fixing the wait times before they start relying on robots to diagnose us. Dr. Sonya Babu-Narayan from the British Heart Foundation chimes in about 'late diagnosis' and 'severe damage.' Scare tactics, folks. Scare tactics.

They tell you to eat your kale and go for a jog. Gee, thanks, doc. Never would have thought of that. Maybe if they stopped pushing processed garbage and virtue signaling, people wouldn't be so unhealthy in the first place.