So, Hackney, the land of overpriced avocado toast and crippling council taxes, has gone Green. Zoë Garbett, the Green Party's new hope, is now running the show. After decades of Labour rule, the pink-haired pixie is promising a climate utopia. Cue the eyerolls.

The Greens are riding high after snagging a bunch of seats nationwide, but Hackney is the real prize. This ain't some leafy suburb; it's a concrete jungle where the woke go to...well, get even more woke. Garbett's win is a testament to the power of virtue signaling and the collective desire to feel superior while sipping oat milk lattes.

Hackney's got problems, real problems. Child poverty's through the roof, life expectancy's lagging, and half the borough's from, shall we say, diverse backgrounds. Garbett's gonna fix all that with...more bike lanes? Solar panels on council flats? Rainbow-colored recycling bins? Because that's definitely gonna solve the root causes of inequality.

She's got a £2 billion budget to play with, so expect some serious virtue signaling. Think eco-friendly council projects nobody asked for, woke initiatives that make your head spin, and enough virtue-signaling to make Greta Thunberg blush.

This lady loves local government. She's been knee-deep in the NHS and council bureaucracy for years. Translation: she knows how to spend your money and make you feel bad about it. She says, “It is all sinking in still,” about actually having to do the job. Yeah, we bet it is.

The Green Party's membership is booming. More and more people want to feel morally superior. But can they actually govern? Can they balance the budget without bankrupting the borough? Can they resist the urge to micromanage every aspect of your life? Don't hold your breath.

Prepare for Hackney to become the epicenter of progressive lunacy. Garbett's reign will be a case study in how to ruin a perfectly good borough with good intentions and bad ideas. Invest in pitchforks and torches. You'll thank me later.