Alright, folks, gather 'round the digital water cooler. So this dude, Mitchell A. Gaff, right? Old geezer, probably collecting Social Security checks and yelling at clouds. Turns out, this guy was a busy bee back in the '80s, laying down some serious, uh, 'tracks' in Washington State. Tracks that involved two dead women and some unfortunate sexual shenanigans. Yikes.

But here's the kicker: this whole thing unraveled because of... wait for it... CHEWED GUM. That's right, folks. This dude's DNA was all over some ancient Wrigley's or whatever, and the woke mob couldn't cancel him until now.

I mean, talk about a facepalm. You'd think a serial killer would have better hygiene habits. Maybe he thought he was being sneaky, disposing of his…evidence…but nope. The long arm of the law, fueled by cutting-edge (for 1985) chewing gum technology, finally caught up. Who's laughing now, grandpa?

So, what's the takeaway here? First, don't commit murder. It's, like, generally frowned upon. Second, maybe invest in some floss and mouthwash, especially if you're planning on, you know, engaging in unsavory activities. Third, the Deep State never forgets. Ever.

I bet this guy thought he was home free. Living the quiet life, probably complaining about avocado toast and participation trophies. Little did he know, the ghosts of his past were lurking, waiting for the right moment to strike.

And strike they did, with the full force of modern forensics. The leftists celebrate a victory in the name of diversity and inclusion, while we, the CHUDs, celebrate that someone finally got a piece of justice. Everyone wins.

Now, I'm not saying this makes up for the Hunter Biden laptop or the rigged 2020 election, but it's a start. Maybe, just maybe, the wheels of justice are grinding (slowly, painfully slowly) towards a semblance of accountability.

Let this be a lesson to all you aspiring criminals out there: the internet never forgets, and neither does DNA. So, think twice before you, uh, 'accidentally' leave your saliva all over a crime scene. It might just come back to bite you in the dentures.

The libs will try to say this is proof of their wokeness, but it's really a testament to the power of good old-fashioned police work, just with a shiny new DNA twist. Bet you didn't see that coming!

And to Gaff's victims and their families: finally, justice has been served. May he rot behind bars, hopefully without access to chewing gum.

Sources:

* FBI Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program * National Institute of Justice (NIJ)