LONDON – Right, listen up, buttercups. The usual suspects – aka, “experts” – are bleating that Blighty is sleepwalking into a food crisis. Apparently, the government's too busy virtue signaling to notice we're about to run out of crumpets. Seems the unholy trinity of extreme weather (thanks, Greta!), rampant inflation (thanks, Biden!), and the ongoing Iranian cluster-you-know-what are conspiring to make food prices skyrocket faster than woke corporations switching logos for Pride month. Food prices are already on track to be 50% higher than they were five years ago, and guess what? This heatwave isn't helping. Remember when we were told global warming would bring milder winters? Liars.

Our brave farmers are sweating more than a politician caught in a lie, crops are wilting faster than millennials after a day without avocado toast, and livestock are having heatstrokes. The economic damage? Oh, just a few hundred million quid. Pocket change, right?

And let's not forget the Iran war, because everything bad is somehow connected to Iran. Even if it magically ends tomorrow, fuel and fertilizer prices are gonna stay higher than a trust fund baby at Glastonbury, thanks to that delightful Strait of Hormuz choke point.

The glorious Chancellor Reeves (bless her cotton socks) floated the idea of voluntary price caps. Yeah, because supermarkets are known for their altruism. Surprise, surprise, they told her to sod off.

So, a bunch of hand-wringing food 'experts' – including some former M&S eco-warrior – have written a strongly worded letter to the ministers. Probably printed on recycled kale paper. They want the national food strategy updated. You know, more committees, more consultants, more taxpayer money down the drain.

Their three priorities are: 'resilient domestic production of healthier food' (read: less bacon, more lentils), 'greater preparedness for supply chain shocks' (read: build a bunker), and 'access for all to safe, affordable and healthy food' (read: socialism).

Professor Tim Lang from some fancy university says the government is doing 'business as usual.' Well, duh. It's a government, what else would they do? He claims they're ignoring all the 'serious scientific, intelligence and policy advice.' Maybe because half of it is woke drivel?

Lang also says the public is ready and willing but needs 'leadership and support.' Translation: they want someone to tell them what to eat and how to feel good about it. Richard Nugee, some retired general, says food security should be a top national security concern. Finally, someone gets it. Forget nukes, start stockpiling sausages.