So, Keir Starmer, bless his heart, has declared it's the UK's “job” to help reopen the Strait of Hormuz. Because apparently, being a sovereign nation means playing hall monitor for global shipping lanes. The irony is thicker than a soy latte: we're supposed to be independent, yet we're constantly dragged into these quagmires.

Starmer's in Saudi Arabia, schmoozing with the locals at some airbase. He’s doing his best impression of a serious statesman, trying to mop up after the US-Iran ceasefire went belly-up quicker than a woke corporation's stock price after going woke. The Gulf states probably see him as less of a liability than Trump, which, let's face it, is a pretty low bar.

This whole charade started when Trump threatened to turn Iran into a pile of sand if they didn't play nice. Surprise, surprise, it didn't work. Now, the Strait of Hormuz is shut down again because Israel supposedly tickled Lebanon's funny bone a bit too hard. Starmer's off to chat with Mohammed bin Salman, probably about how to politely ask Iran to stop playing Minesweeper with oil tankers.

"There are a lot of practicalities about how this might work, and given the situation, there are a lot of moving parts,” some UK official bleated. Translation: we have no freaking clue what we're doing, but we'll pretend we do for the cameras. “This isn’t the sort of thing that happens at the flick of a switch.” No, it takes weeks of meetings, tons of wasted taxpayer money, and ultimately, nothing actually changes.

Starmer, bless his heart, told some reporters that people back in the UK are worried about energy prices. "What people in the United Kingdom want to know… is that this needs to be permanent, and it’s our job to work with other countries in the region… on opening the strait of Hormuz," he said. "Because the impact on our energy prices… it’s our job to make sure that the strait is open… and stabilise the prices back in the United Kingdom.”

Translation: You plebs are whining about petrol costs, so we're sending your taxes to fix a problem we barely understand in a region that hates us. You're welcome. Starmer then patted himself on the back for not joining the “war” and for only letting the US use UK bases for “defensive” missions. Because lobbing missiles at Iranian missile sites is totally defensive. Right.

"We’ve always acted in collective self-defence, but my job is to protect the UK lives… but also to protect our interests… to get the strait of Hormuz open," he yammered. So basically, we're protecting our interests by meddling in everyone else's business. Got it. The rest of Starmer's itinerary is a secret, probably because it involves more virtue signaling and photo ops.