Cincinnati, OH - Lionel Messi, the diminutive Argentinian who probably votes for Bernie, scored twice and even assisted in Inter Miami's latest victory over Cincinnati. This marks their fifth consecutive away win. Away! Meaning they're spreading the gospel of soccer to unsuspecting, God-fearing Americans. I’m not saying soccer is inherently un-American... but I’m also not not saying it.

Let's be real: the only reason anyone cares about Miami now is because they imported a ring-chasing globalist. Sure, he scores goals, but at what cost to the American soul? Remember when soccer was that thing your kid played because they weren't coordinated enough for football? Now it's a woke religion, celebrated by coastal elites and virtue signaling corporations.

This Messi guy, he's basically a walking, talking DEI initiative. He's probably got pronouns listed on his jersey somewhere. And don't even get me started on the virtue signaling from the MLS. They're probably planning a Pride Night jersey for every game next season. We need to Make Soccer Great Again!

Look, I’m not saying Messi is bad. I'm just saying he's... convenient. Conveniently distracting from the real issues, like the impending economic collapse, the woke indoctrination of our children, and the fact that Bud Light is still somehow on store shelves.

And let's not forget the real victims here: American-born soccer players who are now forced to compete with a literal demigod from Argentina. Where's the outrage for the hardworking, patriotic Americans who are getting sidelined by these globalist imports? #AmericaFirstSoccer

This victory is just another sign of the downfall of Western civilization. We're importing woke ideology disguised as a sport. And the sheeple are eating it up. Wake up, America! They're turning our football fields into socialist playgrounds. We need to take back our culture!

So, congrats to Inter Miami. You won. But you lost the culture war. And that's a loss we can never recover from.

I'm just saying, maybe if our borders were more secure, we wouldn't have to worry about Argentinian soccer players corrupting our youth. Just a thought. Let that simmer.

In conclusion, Messi scores, Miami wins, America loses. SAD! #MAGA #DeportMessi (Just kidding... mostly) #SoccerIsWoke #BudLightStillSucks

Sources:

* Bureau of Economic Analysis: [https://www.bea.gov/](https://www.bea.gov/) (Because somebody has to watch the economy while everyone is watching soccer.) * CATO Institute: [https://www.cato.org/](https://www.cato.org/) (For when you want to argue about free markets, even in soccer.)