So, another day, another school falls victim to the woke climate agenda. St John’s Church of England primary in Barnet, North London, apparently had a flooding problem – because, you know, it rains in London. The horror! Instead of, say, installing a proper drainage system, they decided to virtue signal and build a “climate-adapted playground.” Because that’ll stop the polar bears from drowning, right?

Maccie Dobbie, the head teacher, claims the kids couldn't even be dismissed from the playground because of the… checks notes …puddles. Sounds like a first-world problem if I ever heard one. Back in my day, we just splashed through the puddles and built character. But, hey, these kids are too delicate for a little H2O.

Sarah Taggart, a parent governor (probably drives a Prius and lectures everyone about their carbon footprint), spearheaded this boondoggle. She managed to get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet Department for Education funding – that's your tax dollars, folks – and brought in Trees for Cities, a charity dedicated to turning perfectly good concrete into “green spaces.” Because, you know, trees are magic and will solve all our problems.

Alfie Davies, some “landscape architect” from Trees for Cities, installed “rain gardens” with “stepping logs.” Stepping logs! So the kids can jump over the puddles they were complaining about in the first place. Genius! These gardens are filled with “ornamental grasses, shrubs, and perennial flowers.” I bet those are all native species that won’t require constant watering and maintenance. Oh, wait…

And get this: they put in a “bird cherry tree.” Because that’s going to make a real difference in the fight against… checks notes again …climate change. This tree supposedly tolerates “boggy ground” and is “drought resistant.” Sounds like a mutant tree to me. Probably engineered by Bill Gates.

But wait, there’s more! Trees for Cities is running a “year-long engagement program” with the school, teaching the kids about the “water cycle” and “soil infiltration.” Because what kids really need is more indoctrination about the climate hoax. I bet they'll be reading Al Gore books in no time. Skip the actual education and straight to environmental activism!

Meanwhile, the UN published a “call to action” on extreme heat, because apparently kids can't handle a little sunshine. And Paris is building “Oasis Schoolyards” with canopies and pergolas. Because we need to wrap our kids in bubble wrap and protect them from… checks notes furiously …the weather. It’s called summer, people.