London, England – You can't make this stuff up. After years of screeching from the perpetually offended eco-brigade, the River Thames – yes, that brown, murky, sometimes-smells-like-poop river – is now an official bathing spot. Cue the champagne socialist celebrations! The Thames at Ham has been selected as one of thirteen sites across England after campaigning from local groups, like the Teddington Bluetits, which sounds like something that should be flagged on OnlyFans.

So, congratulations to the woke warriors. You've managed to convince the authorities that swimming in a river that occasionally hosts more turds than tourists is a good idea. Bravo! Water Minister Emma Hardy said something about better monitoring and a boost for local tourism. Translation: more taxes, more regulations, and more virtue signaling from the elites.

But let's be real for a second. This isn't about clean water. This is about power. It's about the left using environmentalism as a weapon to control every aspect of our lives. They'll slap some EU-derived “bathing water directive” on it, pat themselves on the back for saving the planet, and then fly off in their private jets to the next climate change conference.

The Environment Agency will be out there, diligently testing for, uh, faecal indicator organisms. Fun! Just imagine the field day the scientists will have analyzing the Thames. They'll probably discover new strains of superbugs that only thrive in liberal tears and recycled soy lattes. The agency stated it constantly evaluates whether action is needed to cut pollution levels and works with local communities, farmers and water companies to improve water quality at these locations. Sure they do.

And who's going to pay for all this? You guessed it: the taxpayer. Yorkshire Water is already blowing £85 million on infrastructure improvements for the River Wharfe, which I'm sure is money well-spent (sarcasm alert). Now, multiply that by thirteen sites across England, and you're looking at a serious chunk of change.

But hey, at least the woke crowd can now post selfies of themselves “bravely” swimming in the Thames. Just make sure you get your tetanus shots and maybe invest in some industrial-strength hand sanitizer. And don't forget to thank the Teddington Bluetits for making your dystopian fantasies come true.

This is what happens when you let the lunatics run the asylum. So, the next time you see someone frolicking in the Thames, remember: they're not just swimming; they're virtue signaling. And they're probably full of crap.