Okay, so the FBI is finally raising the alarm about Iran, huh? After how many years of virtue signaling and chasing down grandmas who posted spicy memes online? Director Kash Patel – no relation to that Kash Patel, probably – is tweeting about putting counterterrorism teams on “high alert” because the U.S. is finally bombing Iran. Took 'em long enough.

Apparently, these elite spook squads are gonna be watching “priority suspects.” Wonder if that includes Antifa this time, or are they still too busy investigating January 6th cosplayers? The JTTFs are supposedly working “24/7,” which means probably taking a lot of coffee breaks and filing paperwork. Good work, guys. You’re doing amazing.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem – now she's a patriot! – is “in direct coordination” with everyone. Let’s hope that coordination includes, like, actually stopping threats instead of just holding meetings. Though, with the DHS in partial shutdown, maybe the terrorists will just politely wait for them to reopen. That's how it works, right?

Jason Pack, some retired FBI dude who probably knows more than anyone currently working there, says this is “standard practice.” Which is comforting, I guess. Except “standard practice” hasn’t exactly prevented a whole lot lately. He also says the domestic threat could “shift, potentially significantly” when we’re bombing Iran. No freakin’ duh, Sherlock.

Apparently, Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the IRGC are all potential baddies. Shocking, I know. It’s not like they’ve been chanting “Death to America” for decades or anything. Pack says this is “proactive,” not “reactive.” Right. Because waiting until bombs are dropping to start paying attention is totally proactive.

The Secret Service is “actively monitoring the situation.” Hopefully, that means more than just staring at their phones. And the DC police are “coordinating” with everyone to “safeguard residents and visitors.” Good luck with that, fellas. You’re gonna need it.

Look, I’m glad they’re finally doing something. But forgive me if I'm not exactly brimming with confidence. After years of focusing on the wrong threats, it’s gonna take more than a few tweets and some extra surveillance to convince me the FBI is actually serious about protecting America. They better actually follow through this time – the stakes are higher than ever, and they're pretty much out of excuses.

Maybe they can even hire some meme lords to help them understand the internet, since half the threats these days are online. And maybe, just maybe, they'll stop apologizing for being American and start acting like they're on our side again. Only time will tell if they got the memo or not. The clock is ticking... tick tock.

Also, what's with the partial government shutdown during all this? Are we just gonna let the terrorists win by default because we can't agree on a budget? That's peak clown world right there, man.

And let's not forget the media spin. They'll probably try to tell us this is all about Islamophobia or some other woke garbage. Ignore them. This is about protecting America from people who want to destroy us. Period. Anything else is just noise.

So, yeah, the FBI is “on high alert.” Let's hope they're not just virtue signaling and actually get their act together before it's too late. But hey, at least they're doing something, right? Baby steps, I guess... but better hurry up.