Brussels – So, turns out Brexit actually meant something other than endless whining from Remoaners. The EU has, once again, told the UK to get bent when it comes to their pathetic attempts to weasel back into the single market. Starmer, Reeves, and the whole woke brigade thought they could just sashay into Brussels and demand special treatment? Guess again, chumps.

The EU ministers, bless their bureaucratic hearts, met on Tuesday and basically told the UK that 'cherrypicking' is a no-go. Remember the four freedoms? Yeah, they're still a thing. Goods, services, capital, and people. You can't just take the bits you like and leave the rest. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

The UK government, apparently under the delusion that they're negotiating from a position of strength, pitched a single market for goods. Hilarious. The EU basically laughed in their faces. It's like trying to return a defective avocado to the grocery store five years after you bought it. Ain't happening, fam.

Ever since the Brexit vote, the EU has been consistent: no free lunch. You wanted out? Fine. But don't come crawling back begging for scraps. The 'cakeism' fantasy is officially dead. Bury it, mourn it, and move on. Or, you know, keep crying about it. Whatever.

An EU diplomat, probably rolling their eyes so hard they could see their brain, said that the EU remains united in its ambition to deepen ties, while the UK's “red lines” are increasingly constraining progress. Translation: You Brexit losers are making this harder than it needs to be.

France, surprisingly, hinted at maybe welcoming the UK back into the single market and customs union. But let's be real, that's probably just Macron trying to stir the pot and make the UK look even more desperate. Don't fall for it, Brits.

One particularly savage EU diplomat said the UK still wants to “have the cake and eat it.” Ouch. But also, true. The UK is like that ex who keeps texting you at 3 AM asking for a 'friends with benefits' situation. No thanks, honey. We've moved on.

The EU-UK summit, tentatively scheduled for July 13, is looking less and less likely to be a productive affair. It's supposed to be about agreeing on things like food trade and emissions trading, but let's be honest, it's probably just going to be another opportunity for the UK to embarrass itself on the international stage.