Alright, chaps and chapettes, listen up. The US Embassy – you know, the people who still think pronouns are a personality trait – has issued a serious 'heads-up' for Americans across the pond. Apparently, hanging out at schools, churches, and those godawful tourist traps is now considered a 'severe' risk. Like, duh. Who needed the woke State Department to tell us that?

So, here's the deal: The geniuses in Washington think you should 'vary your travel routes.' Translation: Don't take the same Tube line every day, or some bloke might just 'accidentally' spill his tea... with a side of Semtex. It's like they just discovered the concept of asymmetrical warfare, bless their hearts.

And what's with the 'severe' threat level? Sounds like something out of a James Bond movie, but probably just means some dude on Telegram is having a particularly bad day. Remember when they told us ISIS was defeated? Yeah, me neither. It's like whack-a-mole with these blokes.

Oh, and don't forget to sign up for STEP, the Smart Traveler Enrollment Program. It's basically a government-sponsored tracking device that lets them know where you are when the fireworks start. Handy, I guess, if you want the FBI to ID your remains.

The real kicker is that this comes after years of virtue signaling and woke nonsense from the same people warning you to stay safe. They spent more time lecturing about microaggressions than securing the damn borders. Now they're surprised when reality bites. Color me shocked. It's like the adults left the room and the toddlers took over the nuclear codes. Oy vey.

So, if you're planning a trip to London, remember the three golden rules: 1) Avoid anything vaguely resembling a target. 2) Trust no one, especially not pigeons. 3) Stock up on bangers and mash – you'll need comfort food after narrowly escaping death by radical Islamist. Don't forget to pack your tin foil hat. And remember, if you see something, say something, but probably just tweet about it, because calling the police is so last century. Now, excuse me while I go build a bunker out of Yorkshire puddings.