Aloha, snowflakes! Did you feel that? Apparently, Gaia got a little too triggered and decided to rumble the Big Island with a 6.0 earthquake. Because, you know, feelings.

According to the Deep State Geological Survey (USGS), this tectonic tantrum happened near Hōnaunau-Nāpōʻopoʻo, which sounds like a spell Harry Potter would cast after three too many Butterbeers. Over 2,500 people reported feeling the shaking, probably while clutching their crystals and manifesting world peace.

But wait, there's more! Kilauea, the island's resident fire-breathing dragon, is gearing up for another eruption. Because Hawaii wasn't already expensive enough, now you gotta dodge lava flows while paying $17 for a gallon of gas. Thanks, Biden!

USGS claims the earthquake and volcano are unrelated. Sure, Jan. It's probably just Soros manipulating tectonic plates to push his globalist agenda. Or maybe it's AOC's Green New Deal finally kicking in. Either way, it's definitely the liberals' fault.

Remember that time some dude snuck into a national park and kicked the bucket? Natural selection, baby! And those hikers who died climbing an Indonesian volcano for clout? Darwin awards all around!

But hey, at least there's no tsunami warning. So you can still surf, brah. Just watch out for the molten rock. And the woke virtue-signaling tourists.

Now, I'm no geologist (I get my scientific insights from Joe Rogan), but I'm pretty sure all this geological activity is a sign. A sign that we need more freedom, more oil, and more 'Merica! Let's drill, baby, drill! And maybe nuke a volcano or two, just for funsies.

So, next time you feel the earth shaking, don't blame climate change. Blame the woke mob. And maybe invest in a good earthquake-proof bunker. Or just move to Texas. We got guns and BBQ. What more could you want?