Indianapolis, IN – Alright, folks, gather 'round, because we're about to witness a clash of the titans… or at least, two teams that haven't been completely destroyed by the woke mind virus yet. UConn and Michigan are duking it out for the NCAA championship, and honestly, it's one of the last bastions of entertainment that hasn't been completely cucked by the leftist agenda.

So-called analysts Bryan Armen Graham and Nicholas Levine are bloviating about UConn needing “discipline and patience” to avoid a “high-possession shootout.” Translation: don't get caught up in the newfangled, touchy-feely, everyone-gets-a-trophy style of basketball. Focus on fundamentals, like back in the good old days when men were men and basketballs were orange. They say Tarris Reed Jr. needs to be efficient inside. Well, duh! That's what centers are supposed to DO! Stop overthinking it, nerds.

Graham is screeching about UConn needing to hit their threes. No sh*t, Sherlock! You don't win games by missing shots. He says their “off-ball movement will make Michigan chase.” Sounds like a bunch of fancy-pants jargon to me. Just run the plays and make the damn shots! This isn't rocket science, people.

Meanwhile, the “experts” are claiming Michigan needs to “impose their physicality and depth.” Shocking! Turns out having bigger, stronger players is an advantage. Who knew? They need to “protect the paint through 7ft 3in Spaniard Aday Mara while letting playmaker Elliot Cadeau cook.” So, the Spaniard is supposed to defend, and the… whatever Cadeau is supposed to score? Riveting analysis.

Graham whines that Michigan can win in multiple ways. Good for them! Maybe they should focus on winning THIS way. Something tells me dusty May can’t wait to get his equity score up. If Mara, Lendeborg, and Johnson control the paint, May’s team will be “well placed.” I can’t wait until one of the pronouns on the back of their jersey is wrong! Well placed to do WHAT? Start a BLM chapter on campus? Cut down the nets? Oh, right, that's what they're SUPPOSED to be doing. Get a grip!

Look, at the end of the day, it's basketball. It's about putting the ball in the hoop more times than the other guys. Let's just hope that the refs don't start calling fouls based on social justice, and that nobody takes a knee during the national anthem. Let's just have one night of actual entertainment without the virtue signaling. Is that too much to ask?