WASHINGTON — So, Congress, after how many years of Boomers getting their retirement funds yoinked by Nigerian princes and IRS imposters, now you're asking telecoms to maybe, possibly, do something about the $200 billion scamdemic? You don't say.

Look, everyone knows Big Telecom is basically a government-protected cartel. They make bank regardless of whether your Aunt Mildred is wiring her life savings to someone claiming to be her long-lost grandson in Belarus. Their profit margins are thicc enough to absorb some basic cybersecurity, but why bother when they can just blame the victims?

This whole “investigation” smells suspiciously like Kabuki theater. Are they really going to crack down on the companies that donate heavily to their campaigns? Or will they just issue a strongly worded letter and call it a day while the scammers keep raking in dough?

The solution isn't rocket science. Stricter ID verification? Call screening? Blocking known scam numbers? These aren't exactly groundbreaking ideas. The problem is that implementing them might cut into the telecoms' bottom line. And we can't have that, can we?

Let’s be real: this is probably just another excuse for more government overreach and data collection. Expect them to demand access to all your personal communications under the guise of “protecting” you from scams. Freedom? What's that?

The whole thing stinks of cronyism and incompetence. Congress is reacting to a problem that's been obvious for years, and their “solution” is likely to be a mix of ineffective regulations and corporate handouts. Meanwhile, the scammers will just move on to the next vulnerability.

So, what’s the play? Buckle up and hope your Boomer relatives are tech-savvy enough not to fall for the obvious scams. And maybe, just maybe, start demanding some actual accountability from the people who are supposed to be protecting us.

In the meantime, I'm going to invest in a tinfoil hat and learn how to use a VPN. Because at this point, self-preservation is the only game in town.

Here's a thought: instead of relying on Big Telecom and Big Government, how about we empower individuals with the tools and knowledge to protect themselves? More cybersecurity education, less reliance on centralized systems.

But hey, that would require actual critical thinking and self-reliance. Can't have that. Easier to just let the sheep get fleeced.

Wake me up when Congress actually does something useful. Until then, I'll be over here memeing the apocalypse.