Just days after Keir Starmer packed his bags and quit, the competent adults of the Labour Party are already in absolute shambles. Before incoming Prime Minister Andy Burnham can even get his hands on the keys to Downing Street on July 17, a massive civil war has erupted over the Home Office’s incoming immigration bill. Leading the charge is 93-year-old Lord Alf Dubs, the self-appointed 'conscience of the Labour movement,' who has publicly demanded that Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood be thrown out of her job and her plans burned to the ground. It seems the party of unity is off to an absolutely legendary start.

The drama centers around Mahmood’s brand new asylum and immigration bill, set for a grand Tuesday release, which Dubs has colorfully labeled as 'performative cruelty.' And honestly, looking at the specs, the Home Office went full supervillain mode on this one. The proposed legislation includes clauses that make it way easier to slap handcuffs on children before deporting them and kick sick kids out of the country. To round it off, the bill also suspends family reunion visas and retrospectively cancels 'indefinite leave to remain' for people who already legally settled here. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for them.

Enter Lord Dubs, who isn't having any of it. The veteran peer has a pretty solid card to play here: he was actually on the Kindertransport back in 1939, fleeing Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia as a six-year-old thanks to Sir Nicholas Winton. Dubs pointed out that if Mahmood’s spicy new rules were active back then, kids like him would have been left 'out in the cold' or, worse, handcuffed and deported even if they had family waiting for them in the UK. He’s calling out the whole thing as a complete betrayal of both British and Labour values, giving Burnham an open invitation to completely purge Mahmood and write his own script.

But the policy itself is only half the comedy show. Behind the scenes, the Home Office has devolved into a high-school hallway drama. Mahmood is currently locked in an epic standoff with the outgoing Starmer over her Immigration Minister, Mike Tapp. Why? Because Tapp is being accused of literally plagiarizing the immigration plans and passing them off as his own. Yes, you read that right. The ministers in charge of the UK’s borders are actively beefing over who gets to take credit for a bill that allows the government to handcuff sick children. You truly cannot make this stuff up.

In a desperate bid to stop the bleeding, Mahmood has been trying to run back some of her hardest-line plans. She’s currently in talks to exempt care workers from the retrospective 'indefinite leave to remain' changes, hoping a little targeted damage control will keep the progressive mob from her door. But Dubs and his allies are clearly not interested in minor tweaks. They want Mahmood gone, and they want the entire policy thrown into the nearest dumpster so Burnham can start fresh on July 17 with 'human rights, compassion, fairness and equality'—while somehow also claiming they still support border control.