Welcome to the absolute peak of clown world in France, where the summer heat has reached 40C and the country’s public school system is collapsing faster than a cheap desk fan. Right on cue, the teaching unions have decided that the best way to handle a heatwave is to go on strike. Because nothing screams "we care about the kids" like walking out on them right as they’re about to take their final exams. It’s the ultimate union move: when the going gets hot, the teachers get going—straight to the picket line.

The unions are out here crying about a "blatant lack of preparation" by the government, as if a summer heatwave is some kind of black swan event that no one could have possibly predicted. They've advised teachers to strike individually whenever they feel like it, creating a chaotic free-for-all where parents have no idea if their kids' school will actually be open when they drop them off. It's peak French bureaucracy: solve a heat problem by creating a massive coordination disaster.

The state’s immediate response was to panic-button their way out of the problem, completely closing 3,500 schools and slashing hours at another 10,000. For the schools that managed to stay open, the scene inside is pure comedy. Teachers in nursery and primary schools are running around keeping curtains drawn and literally spraying little kids with water bottles like they’re trying to keep potted ferns alive. This is the state-of-the-art education system of a G7 nation, ladies and gentlemen: spray bottles and hope.

Let’s talk about the absolute state of French school architecture. Most of these buildings were apparently designed by people who didn't realize that the sun exists. We’re talking massive glass windows, zero external shutters, absolutely no insulation, and—the cherry on top—zero air conditioning. They built literal concrete solar ovens and then acted surprised when the indoor temperature hit 40C. It’s a masterclass in government planning.

Enter Education Minister Édouard Geffray, who has decided that 850,000 fifteen-year-olds must suffer through their "brevet" exams on Friday regardless of the heat. His big mitigation strategy? Shifting the exams to the morning so they finish by midday, spacing the desks out, handing out some plastic water bottles, and letting the kids wander away from their desks to "cool down" when they start seeing spots. Geffray basically told the country to cope and seethe, arguing that sweating through exams now is better than postponing them to September.