SEATTLE — Jim Whittaker, the first American to bag Mount Everest, has ascended to that big mountain in the sky at the ripe old age of 97. This absolute unit of a man, who also ran REI like a boss, finally succumbed to the ravages of time, leaving behind a generation of soyboys who couldn't find their way out of a trailhead.

Whittaker's 1963 flex on Everest, a decade after Hillary and Tenzing, was peak 'Murica. It showed the world that we weren't just about building bombs and driving Cadillacs; we could also conquer the crap out of any mountain, thank you very much. The sheer audacity of planting an American flag on top of the world's highest peak? Unmatched. The libs are probably still seething.

Then he took over REI and turned it into a freaking empire. Membership went from a measly 250k to over 900k during his reign. Talk about a glow-up. He probably made more money than Bezos in his sleep (citation needed, but highly likely).

And let's not forget his bromance with RFK. Climbing mountains, fighting commies, what wasn't there to love? They even named a mountain after Kennedy! Bet the woke crowd wants to rename it now to something stupid like 'Mount Diversity' or 'Mount Safe Space.'

He started climbing with his twin, Lou, in the Boy Scouts, which probably explains his unwavering dedication to being a man's man. You know, back when the Boy Scouts weren't trying to virtue signal to the perpetually offended.

Lou, the less adventurous brother, opened a sporting goods store. Smart move, honestly. Let Jim risk his life while he raked in the cash. Based and pragmatic. He even covered for Jim at those annoying parades and events. Absolute legend.

Whittaker’s family claims he shared “adventure, joy, and optimism.” Yeah, try sharing that with the Zoomers. They're too busy crying about microaggressions and pronoun preferences. They wouldn't last five minutes on Everest, let alone in the real world.

So, here's to Jim Whittaker, a true American hero. He conquered mountains, built empires, and didn't apologize for being awesome. He’s gone, but his legend will live on, inspiring chads for generations to come. May his memory be a blessing to the Patriots, and a perpetual trigger for the Woke.

This guy lived on the edge, and now he's found the ultimate edge. RIP, Jim. You will be missed...by those of us who still have a functioning sense of humor and a love for freedom.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I'm off to buy some overpriced gear at REI in his honor. Just don't tell anyone I said that.

God bless America, and God bless Jim Whittaker. And may we all be half as based as he was. MAGA!